I am sorry you are in pain. You say you aren't honest, but there was stark, courageous honesty in this post.
Yes, it seems that alcohol is the only coping mechanism to stressors sometimes. Sounds trite, but so true. . .it really only makes things worse. We can realize this, but doing something about it takes guts.
I hear guts in your post. It is time to try something new, as the status quo is not working. You can't change the past, but your present and future. Although that might not seem the case, it is the beautiful thing about working towards recovery. You have a chance to make changes. It is a matter of choice and commitment. You can do it.