I'm at the beginning of year 2. In some ways, it seems like smooth sailing because it's the default now. I can't drink and it's easy to speed the tape to the end. But, it's also easy to think that that was a long time ago, I'm better now, and I can handle myself. That's not true and it helps to realize I almost died. In fact, my husband told me the other day that the doctors clearly told him they didn't know if I would make it through the night. I don't really like hearing these stories and we were fighting.
Boredom is the biggest trigger for me and now, events have become a trigger. I don't actually contemplate drinking, but last summer, as the trips, vacations, games, and picnics rolled through, I was still scared sheetless. It was a newness of sorts. I never had a pink cloud, so it wasn't that. I wasn't thrilled or overly exuberant, just doing it.
I had a lot to do the first year to get things back on track in the family department. That's not done and things are still amiss, esp. with the husband, but there's myriad reasons for that, many unrelated to the 2 years of nightmare alcoholism (mine, of course).
I still feel guilty for how I behaved and in particular, this one event really bothers me. I was blacked out when I sent some super nasty text messages to some people (common friends, but more of my husband's old friends who became my friends as well).
I've mentioned this on here before. My husband is both critical and immature and I guess he doesn't own a mirror. He talked about their looks, etc., their aging, etc. When he appealed to them for help because of my drunkenness, that sent me into a spiral where I had to prove myself and I texted them all the nasty stuff he said.
Yep. I acted like that. At my age, I acted worse than I'd ever acted as a child. I only realized it when I was checking my messages a few days later. Even then, while still drunk (I'm sure), my face was boiling with blood.
I can't apologize to them because I feel like I'm begging for sympathy and deserve none. It's been over a year. Every apology I think of has a "but" in it. But, I was drunk. But, I shouldn't have done that. But, I'm hoping you will forgive me so I can forgive myself.
I don't want any of that. Instead, I'll just post here.
Do any of these regrets go away? I did plenty of very bad things to my own family, but somehow, this seems much more egregious. It's one of the most embarrassing
things I've done. I guess misery loves company. Am I alone? Ugh.