Sober........just...... but no where near a recovery
67 days. Sounds great doesn't It? And in so many ways it is. Problem is I'm struggling. Not struggling to stay sober (most of the time) just in life in general. I really do not like the person I am so far. Everything about me screams pity party and dry drunk (I hate that phrase) and slippery slope to relapse.
My mood turns on a knife edge and today I've been horrible. Truly horrible. And I've cried and cried coz I'm scared I can't do this. I feel like a petulant child and I've got so much anger inside. Flash backs to the past (not my drinking past but before that) warn me what I was like on the lead up to "discovering" drink as an escape.
I'm self conscious in public. I have so much jealousy of others. I'm lazy. I'm eating a lot of junk. I think about myself ALL the time. It's like all of the negative traits of active alcoholism just without the drinking bit.
Deep down I don't believe I'm a bad person but something inside me is nasty and I don't like it.
It's like all the nice things I do seem to be on condition that I get something out of it. Recognition. A pat on the back. Like a stupid teenager wanting likes on her Instagram account know what I mean?
I've been telling myself for a couple of weeks now that something has to change but can't motivate myself to do it.
I'm not really sure why I'm putting this on here but I need somewhere to keep tabs on myself and see if I am capable of progress. True progress not the kind that gives the sheen of accomplishment which is what I've done for years. Putting on an act. It's got to stop somehow.
Thank you SR for allowing me to communicate this even if it's just to myself xxx