I want to have a place to share my thoughts on my own recovery from alcoholism. I plan to post weekly updates as my time progresses.
I am currently 3 months sober.
What has happened:
I quit drinking right before we purchased a home. 3 bedroom. Beautiful landscaped yard with flowers around the whole property. Good neighborhood.
It would appear that I was doing well from an outsiders perspective. Internally, I was a complete mess of a person. I am married with a stepson. 2 cats. 2 cars. Runner. I work in health and wellness as a Manager. I am 37 years old.
Its a bit contradictory to work with others who want to obtain stellar health and to seek advice from me. I was drinking every single day. A bottle of white wine. Every single day. Not now.
I blacked out on my last drinking adventure. I did not intend to even drink that day, as I was hungover from the day before. 2 bottles of wine by the end of the night and I woke up in a panic, sweating and unable to recollect what happened. The next few days were filled with such severe anxiety and sweating that I was sure I needed medical attention. That event was enough for me to start on a sober road, again. That event and the fact that I was crying on a weekly basis as I felt like I was killing myself with alcohol.
In the last 3 months I have built a routine around staying sober. Routine is a big thing for me. I am a creature of habit and once that habit sticks I have a hard time swaying from it. .....well, with the exception of alcohol creeping into the picture after a spell of sobriety.
Routine:
Wake up to coffee and then hit the gym
Work
Get off work and eat dinner.
Bathe
Log onto SR and post or read
Watch a series of some sort
read a little before bed
Go to bed.
Weekends:
Work around the house as there are many things that need to be upgraded.
Work in the yard.
Food shopping.
Watch a series
Run
Participate on SR.
Go to bed early.
I have resumed daily running and am working on speed currently. Due to an old back injury, I have had many set backs in my running. My approach this time is to stretch for longer than I would like (as I find stretching to be boring and time consuming) and this has kept my back and legs stable enough to give running everything that Ive got.
So far so good as I hit the treadmill or the pavement. I have incorporated other exercises into my running routine so I dont get bored....mainly pushups ... after so many years of running its good to switch it up and I also dont want this injury to flare up. Its quite painful when it does decide to creep in.
I have been able to string together a year of sobriety at one time in the past. In total, I have had 2 years. I want to be able to see the warning signs and to move past them so I can cross that threshold of one year.
It is true that alcoholism progresses. It is true that the only way out is to walk away. Living life without the active alcoholism is my goal. I may be an alcoholic but I do not have to actively participate in it.
I have resentments. I have troubles in my head. I have a lot of "stuff" internally. Life does work itself out if you just let life do its thing and the decisions made are the right ones. The one decision that I can make daily and know that I wont **** anything up is to remain sober.
I just cant fathom living in the mess I was in 3 months ago. When I look back at it, I cringe. My heart aches. My mind cant comprehend what I was thinking? So.......
3 months in and I think I am doing okay. I dont crave. I dont want to drink. If the thought arises it is due to hunger or severe stress. Stress can be controlled. Eating at the proper times can be controlled. The thoughts of drinking leave.
My recovery from myself.....my recovery from thoughts that are detrimental to my well being. Recovery from active alcoholism.
I started reading the Tibetan Book on Living and Dying. A lot of the info hits home for me. It has been helpful as I deal with my head stuff. Losing my sister to cancer over a year ago sent me into a very troubled place about life and death and just about everything. There is a lot that I dont understand and I am quite comfortable with it. I may never understand but I can try to. I can work towards it.
Im not sure what this thread will turn into? If it needs to be removed, I understand. I just want to do something different than what I did previously. I relapsed on two separate occasions. I never had an ongoing thread before. Who knows? This just may be one of the tools that keeps me grounded and stable.
If you would like to comment and share it would be appreciated. What works for you? What is your life filled with? How are you doing? That kind of stuff.......
When the drinking stops the real work begins..........