Back... With tail between my legs..
Well I'm ashamed, like completel, totally ashamed of myself. I am embarrassed that I could continue to let this happen over and over again when I fully know the outcome every time. I'm disgusted that I had two months of sobriety and I blew it. I'm ashamed that I came onto this website Saturday asking for help, knowing that I was going to be put in a situation that would be tricky and I drank anyways. How can I be so stupid? Saturday was my son's graduation party and I was so busy I didn't even get a chance to look at my phone. I thought one drink would be ok since I never get drunk with other people.. always at home alone or just my husband home or in bed. I did ok most of the night but one turned into many more. Well it turns out that both my kids decided to stay at my sister's house that night. That is a big trigger for me. The whole house to ourselves? Just me and hubby? We should get buzzed and spend time together! Im ashamed to admit this but I actually took a full bottle of vodka from my sister's fully stocked bar and brought it home with me to drink. I mean I didn't steal it, she told me to help myself but that's pretty damn low right? When you have to raid someones bar because even though it's 9:00 at night and everyone else has stopped drinking you can't stop until your pass out drunk.. Well by the time we got home I actually ended up being too tired to drink much more so I went to bed. That left me with almost a full bottle of vodka. I can NOT have alcohol in the house and not drink it. This I now know. I drank it Sunday night and last night plus some of those budlight margaritas. I've realized lately that in order for me to really understand the depth of my addiction I need to be real and admit to SOMEONE the things I have done and the things that I am ashamed of. Since I know that anyone on this forum can relate and probably won't judge me I think I really need to start posting more and admitting to (there for be held responsible in a way?) these actions. So that's what I'm going to start doing.. At this moment, I am ashamed that I just went to tell my 18 year old something and he looked right at me and said "yeah, I know, you told me that last night!" With a questioning look on his face. I tried to play it cool, like I knew that, I was just reminding him. I tried to tell myself that he probably doesn't know that I was drinking. Who the hell am I kidding? 18 years old and that he can't tell every time I'm drunk? Of course he knows! Embarrassing thing number two... I don't even know how this happened because I really didn't think I drank all that much but I did take some sleeping pills too.. apparently that was a really bad idea because when I got up this am there was a big mess in the kitchen. Like I obviously got up in the night hungry and got into food and made a mess which I'm sure my husband saw this am. How embarrassing is that? I'm so disgusted with myself right now... I'm weak and I'm starting to feel like I will never win this Battle... Sorry that that was so long but thank you for listening. It feels better to get it off my chest..