I'm implementing a structured plan, and will post in here as well BB. I've never really been upset with myself for not being accountable for my drinking until now. For some people, like myself, I needed a small mental breakdown to truly put serious thought into my recovery with a congruent plan that will work for me. I don't want alcohol. I don't need alcohol. I need to eat and live healthy. I'm developing plans and taking direct action toward those goals.
I have this thought in my head of if I were in a hot desert battlefield, extremely dehydrated, lost from my platoon; If there were an ice cold bottle of potable water next to a bottle of wine, which would I drink? The wine could kill me due to error in the field and further dehydration. Of course I'd take the Ice cold bottle of water.
Thank you for your suggestions though. Sure the antabuse thing was a bit of a joke, but if you think of it that way, I feel it can have as certain benefit; "I will become very ill if I drink".
I'm sorry I speak in ways people don't understand. I feel it's important to have a sober community to turn to when things get tough. I'm going back to an outdoor sober community where I can climb, hike, ski, etc. among sober folk. I may take up fighting again so that my impulse to drink is eliminated by my desire to make it through 5 rounds of sparring.
I like hearing that I 'can't' do something. My impetus toward the goal becomes that much stronger. Thank you.
I guess it doesn't hurt to count... Day 3.