Hi Lady Blue
I'm so sorry for your loss. There is something unbelievably painful about losing a beloved pet. I'm not exactly sure what makes it so, maybe their innocence, trust and utter dependence on us for survival. But it is unique.
I had to put my dog down in March. What made it even worse was I had to do it because of behavioral issues, not health issues. It was years in the making. He was also my late husbands dog....sigh. Words can't describe the pain, guilt. I have never, ever cried like that before. Ever. Over anything.
I believe part of my alcoholic personality is to awfulize. To beat myself up. To question my decisions. To play bad experiences over and over in an effort to find a way to work drinking into the equation. Through this experience I had to learn not to do this. I had to forgive myself. Show compassion for myself and realize I had an impossible decision to make and I had to make it alone. It was a learning experience because normally I would find a way to beat myself bloody over it.
Now when my mind tries to revisit the event in any way that brings up pain, guilt and sadness I stop myself. Remind myself I did something that had to be done. That he didn't suffer. And that he is reunited with my husband in a better place. And then I remember how much I loved him.
You made the difficult, 'right' decision. RIP Waffles. I'll light a candle for your sweet kitty.