Anniversary Anxiety
Today is my ah and my 6th anniversary. I've been doing really good with getting a grasp on my own codie issues, but, I just don't know how I should deal with the day and it's throwing me into a lot of mental confusion. We haven't had our 'discussion' yet about my wish for us to separate yet (am still working out how to support myself and get my needed medical attention. I feel like I'm in limbo.) I just don't love him anymore...period...
Every Saturday, for years now, he goes to a friends and spends the day with all of his guy friends. This morning, (Sat 9am)I was feeding my grandson in the kitchen, and I didn't even know that he left. No goodbye, or anything; didn't even see him or hear him leave. This is the 4th year he has spent it with his friends instead of with me and I no longer care. He will come home drunk (no surprise there) and I just don't know how I should act.
Part of me wants to say something about how he always ignores what I find important in maintaining a relationship. Part of me screams, "just tell him today that I want a separation" and another part of me says, leave the house and and go find something to do for yourself for the evening before he gets home. (I R SO confused!!) Would it be cruel of me to discuss separation today? I know I sure don't feel like 'celebrating' our yearmark in any way, shape or form. We got an anniv. card from his parents yesterday and I don't even want to open it...or give it to him. (Especially since he always says cards mean nothing to him; and I only got one for my birthday this year because I mentioned something to one of his buddies and his buddy chose to say something.) And what do I do if for some reason he DOES give me a card or something...how in the heck do I respond to that? (He never gave me anything these past four years, so I'm NOT expecting something...but, if he does...?)
Just don't know what to do and would appreciate any input from anybody. I'm so confused I don't even know where I'M coming from today! lol! I feel like crying, but don't know why. I was doing great with everything right up till today.