Mizzuno

Im going through it.

Last night I lay on the couch to realize that there is nothing to fill the space that I am in. There was nothing that could take away the underlying grief that I feel. At that moment, and even now, I know there is a lot of internal work to do. Truth: Alcohol was not thought of. Food was not thought of. I couldnt reach for anything. Staring at the ceiling. Complete void.

I am exactly the same age as when my sister died. 37 1/2. I realize that I took to alcohol to relieve a lot of the grief I was in during her illness and for one year after.

Even though it doesnt make sense to drink yourself into oblivion every night, this was what I did. I dont like that aspect of myself. I dont like that I abused alcohol and I couldn't or wouldn't deal with it on a healthy level.

For most of my life, I have dealt with hard emotions or troubles in this way.......through escape, through using something. Not all use was due to grief. This past year has been different.

So, after laying there last night feeling empty I picked up the computer and ordered a book. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. A friend/ co-worker spoke of this book a year ago. I am ready to really get through this "stuff" and to come into a better understanding of myself and the dying process. Perhaps the book and opening up can lead me into a slightly better place within myself? It wont fix it but I have to do something and take baby steps into something else.

I fear death. Immensely. I was once a person who accepted the next journey as a gift and felt like I knew the truth about it or I felt like my belief system was solid enough to give comfort for what is unknown.

Somewhere along the road of my sisters illness and her death my beliefs went into a place of uncertainty and fear.

For me, its not just about removing the alcohol and maintaining this decision. Like all of us, there is work to be done after we stop hurting ourselves. Yes, I am an alcoholic. Yes, I have struggled with self care on a healthy level. Yes, I quit and now I am living a sober life. I am so grateful.

I am grateful that I allowed myself the time to lay on the couch and feel completely empty and dare I say lost. I didnt reach for anything to comfort me. Honestly, I didnt want to. There was nothing to fill that void and I knew it. Nothing can fill it but time. I see that as growth.

Im working on it. I really am.



And...my feline family member has been missing for almost 48 hrs. He took off and has not resurfaced yet. I dont know how worried I am over this? He was strictly indoor and then became really vocal about the great outdoors. He is on an adventure......or something else. The something else is troubling but I wont go there yet. His sister is now vocalizing and roaming through the house...

Posters later, maybe. Ill give him a few more hours to get his butt home.