FallenAngelina

Not sure if you saw my post about your sister, but she definitely has her own issues with all of this, especially in light of how you describe your brother. Codependency is learned in families of origin and repeated in love relationships unless there is intervention. We codies are addicts just as much as the alcoholics we love (and they are usually codies, as well.) Your sister is likely not in a position to help you with all of this because no matter how it looks on the outside, she sees a lot of herself in you and unless she has gone through her own recovery, is not going to have the capacity to give you much in the way of fruitful support.

You say that you go to Al-Anon, but how often? Do you have a sponsor? Are you in a meeting group that you find emotionally stimulating & fulfilling or are you just attending? Do you set aside time to do your reading and your step work? There is "going to Al-Anon" and there is immersing yourself in all that the program has to offer. There are times when I go to a meeting every day, because I realize that I can't change on my own and sometimes I need daily infusion of the new way of thinking - thinking that is not centered around my ABF, but around my own life. Just as alcoholics, we can't analyze our way out of the codependent thinking we were trained in as children and we can't change on our own. We need lots of support and mentoring. It needs to be genuine, heartfelt, frequent and consistent.

I have an ABF, too, smarie, and I love him with all my heart. Walking away is not an intellectual process and I know all too well that it's not a matter of following logical advice. Al-Anon, for me, is not about getting to a place where I can leave my ABF, but about learning how to create a peaceful life for myself, in the world of my own thoughts, so that I can make decisions based in peace, not in fear and confusion. Decisions made from a peaceful place have a far better unfolding process that decisions made under stress, out of fear and guilt.