Hi Windy,
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this again. I know how hard it is to put the monkey back in the cage once we've let him out.
When I relapsed a couple years ago, I experienced similar things to what you are right now. The truth of the matter is that I'm an addict who will abuse anything to excess if not kept in line. Anyways, at the time I had been trying to be completely sober, and ended up saying screw it and decided to drink one night. My plan was a six pack but I ended up going to a small party and having about fifteen drinks. Being totally wasted, I ended up taking a couple hits.
A week later, I made the decision to smoke again (sober). I'd keep this to once a week from now on.
Three days later I smoked again. Every three days was fine.
Two days later I smoked again. Hey at least it's not every day.
Two days later I had no weed and started going haywire trying to find some. I ended up finding a friend with some. Feeling defeated, instead of stopping right then and there, I bought more the next day.
Then it was no smoking before 5 PM (I made it to 3 that day).
Fine no smoking before noon. I began getting everything ready at 11:45.
As we know, this turned into mornings through bedtime. It was kind of fun for a few weeks, but then my life turned into this demented circus. I stopped eating more than once a day. If I couldn't find weed, then my life would become a nightmare until I could. I didn't do anything except smoke, lie on the couch (No TV or computer, just staring at ceiling), and scrounge for more. I was significantly worse off than I had ever been. Finally after a couple more months of this hell, very dark thoughts spurred me to get sober again (from everything). Now though, I had to detox again (which has always been quite difficult for me). I went to rehab for the first and hopefully only time, and had to begin the recovery process once more.
Don't let any fantasies of moderation fool you. This is a bad road. I know you've said you don't like meetings, but they maybe helpful just so you get some phone numbers to call at the very least. You don't have to disclose your drug of choice, and even if you do, I'm sure people will still be more than happy to have you there.
I'm not saying that what happened to me will happen to you if you continue smoking. It might not be as bad, or it could be worse. Still, there's only one sure-fire way to make sure it doesn't. You can't have one foot in the door and one out. You've reignited cravings, and you're rapidly losing power over this. We're all powerless over addiction, and so you need to figure out what's it's going to take to get back on the wagon.
Stay strong friend. And by the way, nobody's disappointed in you. We all understand how hard this s*** is. All anybody's wants is for you to get back on track so you can move towards a happier and healthier life. You know weed isn't the answer.