Vinomum, Welcome. I'm so glad you posted. That really is often the first step toward making a permanent change.
So much of what you say resonates with me.
I, too, was a wine-drinking mom. It's so easy to slip into the suburban mom, wine drinking thing. Doesn't "everybody" do it? Well, no. Not a bottle a night. For the past 5 years I've been trying to moderate, step back, stop, but it was a broken record and the same cycle you described: Waking up feeling horrible and regretting wine the night before, feeling shame at what I'm doing to myself and my family, swearing I wouldn't drink that night, marking the day as the new Day One, but by the afternoon, giving in. Thinking again about wine, going out to buy it, and repeating the same cycle, over and over, drinking an entire bottle late a night, collapsing into bed, waking up four hours later, miserable, barely getting through the morning as a mom, then repeating, day after day.
Seeing my world contract. Getting things done, as you are, but just barely. All the extra, beautiful things that used to bring us joy, fallen by the wayside. Everything down to wine: Thinking about wine, buying wine, drinking wine, hiding wine, disposing of wine, regretting wine, over and over.
I am now two weeks without any, and I feel I've finally turned a corner. In the past, I've felt deprived. "Oh, poor me, not being able to drink like others." But now, instead of feeling I "deserve" that drink, I'm realizing I "deserve" so much more than that, and so do my kids and my husband. I have somehow flipped a switch and see it for what it was. Poison. Wanting poison was an illusion, a lie, a brain trick. I didn't "deserve" it. I actually "deserve" health, energy, restful sleep, being present for my children and having pride in myself. And so do you!
Our kids deserve a mother who is truly present, engaged and healthy. Your son is young enough that if you change now, he'll never remember this version of you. It's a wonderful opportunity, and you posting here means you know you want better for yourself and for him.
Please keep posting here. There's so much good advice and support. You CAN make a change.