Wine is taking over my life
This is my first post, I found SR after spending the morning googling for help and support with yet another hangover and at a complete loss of what to with myself.
So here goes,
Im a mum to a gorgeous little boy aged 3, I have a great supportive partner, I have my own business, little financial worries, great friends. Most would say I have the perfect life, but everyday I fight the battle of wine oclock.
I don't drink in the day unless Im out having lunch, but I spend most of the day thinking about that first glass of wine and making sure my wine fridge is well stocked. Wine is taking over my life, I have no control over my drinking, I drink almost every day, once I start I find it hard to stop. I wake the next morning feeling sick with guilt and anxious, ratty and irritable telling myself I wont drink that night, then as soon as lunch time comes Im thinking about wine again. Im in such a vicious circle and I just don't know how to make it stop.
The worst thing about it all is I lost my mum 4 years ago to alcohol. I know the devastating effects alcoholism can cause, I vowed I would never put my baby through what I went through yet here I am, on the brink of going down the same path. I use to cry and beg her not to drink and couldn't understand what she was going though and why she just wouldn't stop, now I fully understand how alcohol can take a grip and ruin lives.
I use to exercise every day, was always active and enjoyed Life. Now I struggle to get through the day, my relationship is strained because of my drinking and Ive lost all feeling and emotion towards my partner, I manage to maintain my business but my head always feels fuzzy. My little one is always well provided for but I know I am failing him by not being a proper mum. Every day I feel like the worst mother and partner in the world. I just want to feel happy and not under the spell of wine. Im petrified of missing out enjoying this precious time with my little one. I know that how I am feeling is all because I drink.
Im so scared of going down the same path of my mum, I just want to put a stop to it. I just don't know how. By tonight Il be craving that glass of wine. Its like having the devil and angel on my shoulders, the angel is saying no don't do but the devil has the overwhelmingness of making me think its ok to have it.
I was on anti depressants for 5 years, which I remember was when I really started drinking more regularly and increasingly after the loss of my mum, I stopped taking them the beginning of this year, I felt good for the first month and had cut my drinking back but my it has gradually got worse. The dr has recommended I go back on them but after a few days I felt such awful side effects, probably because I was drinking on them so I stopped. I know if I wasn't drinking I would feel better in myself but I just cant seem to control it. When I think back when I last felt happy was during pregnancy and the first 4 months of my little one being born. After that my drinking started to increase from a glass of wine on the odd night to every day, then from a glass to a bottle.
A lot of my friends will openly say they often have a glass of wine at night, as it seems to be a more common thing for mummies to put the kids to bed and pour a glass, but I know they are not like me drinking bottles and everyday. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends about the amount I drink as they wouldn't understand. My partner keeps telling me I need to sort out my drinking and that its out of hand, which makes me feel guilty so I hide the amount I drink from him. My partner doesn't really drink in the week, and only enjoys a few beers on the weekend. I wish I could just have the control like he has.
I would really be grateful of any help, advise from people who have been in a similar situation and how they've beaten the devil on the shoulder.