Here's my update:
AH came clean when I asked that he had NOT been taking Antabuse when he drank last sunday. He apparently decided to stop about 3 weeks prior. He has been on Antabuse since Jan and my repeated comment is that you need to do more for recovery then just take a pill. Apparently that frustrated him enough that he decided that he had things under control enough without it so decided to stop so that he could prove to me that he did. Well, he didn't and I think he realizes that now. That was a pretty big blow to me. After all of the lies and everything else, it shouldn't be. But there had been nothing that significant recently and the fact that everyday he popped out a pill and chucked into in the garbage to make it look like he was taking them but wasn't felt pretty bad. He also stated several times that he was still taking them and rally wasn't. Either way, I believe him when he gives this explanation. I truly think he thought he had it under control. It's painfully obvious to the rest of us but not to him.
So now he is apologetic, making changes to make him healthier (eating better....he has dropped about 15lbs as he started this a while ago, getting more sleep....he has been going to bed 1030 on the dot which I have never seen before, dropped chewing tobacco, etc), he is being nice as well as patient, and most importantly he is looking into more treatment options, etc. He is also reflecting probably the best I have seen on his shortcoming. Specifically getting agitated for no reason and taking too much on that gets him into a bad place mentally and physically.
So...where am I with this? It is TOUGH. I feel like how many times can we go in this circle?? Mess up, apologize, vow to do better, reinstil some faith, drink again. Though some of what he is saying now is truly better than most recent years, should I really trust him this time?? I feel like only time will tell. But how much time do I give this man? It feels like it could be endless if I let it.
I scratched the surface on the subject of proceeding with a more permanent separation and that did not go over well. 1. He turns into the angry version of the Hulk. 2. He is currently commuting 1.5 hours for work so the first thing he vows to do is move away. Having 2 young kids this is not good. 3. He also indicated that he would argue for full custody of the kids which seems crazy to me but not sure. That is terrifying to me. 4. He seems to be like the "ok we are divorcing, let's cut all contact and not discuss at all". I always thought we could mostly work together but that is questionable at this point.
So all in all, I don't know that my feelings about my situation have changed that much except for a few heart strings being pulled when I see him doing some of the things I have been wanting to see for years. However I am getting cold feet. I am depressed about the idea of not seeing my kids daily. Also having to live being concerned with their safety. This type of stuff makes te idea of staying married to and living with an alcoholic sound not so bad.
Open to input, comments, suggestions. Thanks everyone!!