Part of this discussion involves how we define authentic self or being. As far as addiction is concerned, we know that neurons that fire together wire together, so after decades of being a buzzhound, I am authentically, and literally, a buzzhound. Is that not me? Even though I've avoided intoxicants for years now?
And as all things are impermanent, as well as my authentic self, is not my authentic self subject to change? Through redirection of my thoughts and behaviors I am literally rewiring my brain, becoming less and less a buzzhound. Truth be told, I get a buzz from sobriety these days; from opening my heart to the world as it is and allowing myself to be vulnerable. Allowing myself to feel. Crying when the world or my circumstance lead to tears. Laughing when I'm happy, playing with my dogs, or joking with my wife. And accepting that I'm not perfect, but I'm making progress. Awareness of the times I fall into anxiety about the future, about my body failing me, about finances, and through awareness bringing myself back to now. Awareness of the times I fall back into the past and into shame or guilt or sadness about things long past and beyond my control, sometimes even then, and that awareness allowing myself to return to the present where I am okay. I really am okay.
This is rewiring my authentic self, rewiring my brain through the use of my mind and the use of my body, not trying to define myself too strictly because I am a river, always here, but never entirely the same from moment to moment to moment.
Yes, that AV is still in there (but emerges more as a cookie monster these days), and it's me...oh, it's me, alright. And that's alright.