I too would suggest looking at a 12-step program. If you're not in a city then AA is the most likely option to be available to you. If yiu look at the 12-steps of AA you will notice that only the first step mentions alcohol. The other 11 are all about learning to live life on life's terms and come to terms with our past so we can move forward. It's been a lifesaver for many including me.
And those promises really do materialise if we work for them. Not something I really believed would be possible for the likes of me, but there you are.
The alcoholic drinking is one thing we have to tackle, but as you're discovering, the alcoholic thinking doesn't just up and leave us. It can leave us full of fear and resentments, anxiety and rages. Restless, irritable and discontent. Still full of shame and self-loathing. I got to the stage where i no longer wanted to live (but was to scared and guilty to actually kill myself). Now I have learned to forgive and love. Both others and myself. It's a very diffrent life through the lens of recovery.
There IS hope.
THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
THE AA PROMISES
1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
8. Self-seeking will slip away.
9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves
I wish you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB