Haunted by Alcoholic past
Hi I am Matthew
My drinking and drugging started when i was 14 I was always a rebel running away and getting into trouble, I started using ecstasy not long after i started drinking, I was heavy into drugs and alcohol. I have been abused physically and mentally as a child I have always talked about this in my Aboriginal youth conferences and I was still active in cultural activities I was also living the opposite life drugs, sex and fighting.
My dad had been in a toxic relationship since 2001 involved with my ex-step mother who had given me a baby brother he has been through alot of trauma not that he was abused but he has seen the fighting between my dad and step mom and during those years I also had another struggle with my mom and my brother and sister living in poverty for 2 years we lived eating Mac'n'cheese no new clothes and my mother was heavy into prescription pills and drinking, i felt like i was my siblings looked to me for comfort so i ha e and i did i fed my brother and my sister at my moms, i played and watched my brother when he was a toddler at my dads.
But on Weekends when i needed to get away i kept my drug and alcoholic habits secret with my friends until i got caught because i blacked out crapped my pants puked all over myself and my friends called my dad i woke up i thought everything was fine but i smelt like **** and i look on the floor and my ****** pants and puky shirt are on the floor and a garbage bag under me on the bed, i was made fun of by my friends for years my nickname was captain **** pants for years.
Years into I was partying and stuff still it was my graduation year and my Step-mom and dads relationship was getting so bad he was accusing me and her of doing stuff because she was attracted to me because of how young and filled in i had become. One night they were fighting we were all drunk and they were fighting he left I was so drunk from drinking sugary drinks i blacked out woke up next to mt step-mom we had done something i knew i could not change, stupid me went back they broke up and things got worse she had all her weirdo friends come by to drink i woke up twice to her gay friend touching me and i wasn't okay with it but because of the shame i never spoke about it.
A year later i opened up to my dad about the situation but drunk and said it stupidly in front of my cousins and his new gf, later on I get beat up and hospitalized my mom and my older god-sister and my younger sister were wiping the blood off of my face and I didn't know what had happened the doctor said i had suffered some brain damage and memory loss.
Following that i got into a relationship with my sons mother, we had a relationship filled with drugs alcohol and lots of toxic arguments, when she got pregnant i continued to drink and drug so she left me and got with my cousin who just got his large band distribution of $17'000 dollars we get when we turn 19 i blew mine on drugs alcohol and clothes and a bunch of unnescesarry things. It turns out the whole time she was cheating on me i had all these guys confrontin me telling me she was cheating on the side the whole time it messed me up for years just the thought of my cousin beung with my pregnant ex-girlfriend and all the stories of her cheating on me spun around my head like voices in the movies i snapped one day i was suicidal and i was drinking and couch surfing everywhere i had meaningless sex i said alot of hurtful things to loved ones and it just seems i was someone who i always hated i was into two relationships but i cheated on them both and left them telling them how stupid they were.
Years go on my real friends i lost my family i have burned bridges with and my habits have gotten bad, i did a lot of shameful and regretful things over the years, i've made a fool of myself my public intoxication tickets racked up and i am surprised i haven't done anything that landed me in jail at least that i know of or can't remember.
I decided to go to treatment in 2015 after being on and off the streets for 6 years losing job after job because i stole beer from two jobs and said ef it i need to go to treatment. I went to treatment and i was sober for 8 months i did great i landed a job at Safeway making 12.50 an hour making good money going to school i told myself i was doing good a beer won't hurt i relapsed as you know it went good for about 3 months after that i started doing cocaine again and said this ain't that bad and not ling after i was blacked out introduced to meth i was a completely psychotic person I humiliated this girl and myself in public and i Woke up the next day feeling really remorseful and ashamed my friends told me about it and this coming from meth addicts i was told i needed help so here i am 6 months clean and sober now but i still feel really ashamed and really regretfull i am in a relationship with a beautiful loving sober girlfriend but i still have a really bad habit of feeling that shame and guilt from my past we've known eachother for a year and a half it's gojng great but i wish i could let go of the embarrasing memories and shameful past of all the things i went through as an alcoholic and drug addict. I need to know that i am human and that i suffer from a disease i want to go on knowing that my decisions weren't me but the addict i have always been a good person always helping homeless people by giving then my nice expensive jackets off of my back takjng them to Tim hortons for a warm sandwich and coffee, i am cultural and i love helping but my past and alcohol/addict demons still haunt me i just want it to be gone so i can enjoy my life 😪