I have decided to take the advice and go total no contact, as hard as it may be. It doesn't really matter anyway because it's not like he stays in contact or messages me on his own time. I started back on some anti-anxiety medicine which has been helping tremendously -- I've always had moderate anxiety, had it before we started dating and sure as hell have it now (for awhile he showed me calm amidst the storm and I didn't need it that much).
I was thinking last night, and sort of re-experiencing the emotions I've gone through in this SHORT span of 2 weeks (literally, April 28 he was clean and we were best ******* friends, inseperable, he was showering me with love and affection and intimacy, and saying he thought he had fallen in love with me....wtf?). One of the last nights he stayed here, he hadn't gotten high that day but we were drinking a bit. He was being affectionate, not as much as before but still, kissing me, kqcalling me babe, talking about plans that we have months down the road as if he was excited for them. But he was also glued to his phone. And I saw that he was talking to his ex, talking about getting back together with her, about paying for them to go travel, and he had her name saved in his phone as "Special Someone <3". And he had my name saved in his phone as "Uhh Mmk". And he was telling her this while he kissed me and told me he loved me and slept by my side.
I don't know if I've ever felt so betrayed and hurt as what this man has put me through. So yeah, while it's tough, good riddance for now and I really hope he finds peace after all of this.