Since no one reads this forum, I'll just post my processing here.
It's great to have this space.
I want to be able to live my life and find joy in each day.
I had been feeling depressed in the mornings, and I think it had to do with picking up on his mental state prior to relapse.
I am an empath and very connected to him (had been - am putting up shields and boundaries right now to protect myself).
I actually feel better mentally than I have in awhile. There is always a lot of lead-up to a relapse, and I had been feeling it for awhile and it was taking a toll on me.
My anger at the relapse is helping me not be in despair - despair is absolutely the worse place to be and where I feel like hopeless victim.
It's much better for me to see that this is his choice - his life is ultimately his - I make my choices, he makes his. I am here for me, he is here for him.
He knows what to do to stay sober. He is on his own spiritual path, which has nothing at all to do with me.
I am not going to allow him to co-opt my life and make it miserable, just because he is choosing to be miserable - before I felt I was chained to him and would have to go wherever he went, for good or bad. I am trying to free myself from that - the problem is that he is still very much on my mind, as I have no clue where he is or if he's dead or alive . . . so the curiosity itself is an issue.