You seem to have amazing self realization of yourself Delizadee! Being aware and actually taking steps to improve your life is huge.
Courage, sorry about the vertigo. It sounds very scary. Does your doctor know what causes this?
I work a lot of hours like many here, so my days off need to be pretty productive around the house. Somehow, I managed to fritter the day away not accomplishing much. I realized at the end of the day that I slipped back into my alcoholic way of thinking, where even the smallest task seemed insurmountable. Usually, by early afternoon, I'd be drunk enough that the day would be a total waste, so might as well keep drinking. I just could not focus and had no drive. It was a walking through quicksand kind of day mentally, if that makes any sense.
I had zero thoughts of drinking yesterday, but it still surprised me that this type of thinking still pops up for me from time to time. I chalked it up to exhaustion, and plan to make today more productive. One thing I have learned from sobriety is that it is pointless to beat oneself up for small things in life. Today is another day, with another set of opportunities, as long as we don't drink.
Hope and support to everyone struggling with major life issues out there. Remember no matter how challenging it seems, drinking will only make things worse.