FBL, I'm sorry to hear about your brother's struggles. You are a great brother, I agree. Unfortunately I sit in the same boat as courage. I was once close to my brother but wallowing and working on my resentment towards him. Good sibling relationships are so special. I also feel for him because I have had anxiety issues my whole life. I was openly reflecting at the last couple meetings I've been to that I have social anxiety- it's gotten a lot better with work, medication and therapy and obviously- not drinking. But it's still there for me and comes in waves. I hope he finds some peace soon. Thinking of you guys.
Courage, that's crummy about the vertigo- I'm so sorry. Do you get this often or know what causes it??
And the thinking about your tool and what you said about how you found it and enjoyed using it... (hahaha, so sorry, my apologies.. ) It took me a long time and still takes me time to turn that around and think, you know, everyone's got their crap, and more often than not, my crap is no more than a passing thought if anything in their minds. Yep yep yep, one needs not be an addict to be all f'ed up. A good example of that is my ex's ex wife. She has now lost primary custody (not sure if it's all court ordered yet) of all 3 of her kids. It's an unfortunate and sad thing, and she has deeply hurt her oldest by her behaviour and actions. She doesn't have any addictions issues- she is just straight up f'ed up like you say. I feel for her. She's been through a lot and has caused a lot. The sad thing to me is that say someone like her, doesn't have a substance abuse problem, so the outside world is the problem, not her. We have all talked about it and see it in our lives, so many people not in recovery are often as sick as or sicker than we are or were. It's just a generalization. Anyways. I feel for her. I struggled long enough with mental health problems which eventually turned into an alcohol problem. I always try to be kind, you never know how you affect someone else where they're at at that point in time.
Except for in traffic. I am the BEST driver and all the rest of the world are aholes. (PS thank you God for letting me keep a nice clean driving record through all my drinking years) (now who's the ahole??) But seriously. Traffic.
Carlos- I love your story about forays in dating. So much starsprinkle in it, it makes me happy and giddy to read. I hope things continue on on the path they are. Thanks for sharing with us!
Glee and everyone, thanks for the encouraging words, deeply!
Things happen in certain ways, at certain times, for certain reasons I guess.. I posted what I needed to when I needed and heard all I needed to.
Yesterday the meds were sorted out by the day end so that was a quick win.
Today instead of carrying on the party, I rolled out of bed around 7 and decided I was going to do a walk-in appt with my counselor. She was available after 9 so I started off writing out my letter to my lawyer regarding my son, which I am still in the middle of as I want it to be thorough. Funnily enough, midway through the day I happened to get an email from my new lawyer. So a good reminder to finish that up today.
My counselor is so awesome, I cannot speak highly enough of her. When she saw me in at 9, she apologized as she was stuck in a staff meeting but to come back at 10 if I could and she wouldn't take anyone else in until after I'd seen her.
We quickly rattled through the big issues and my reactions/actions to them.
She agrees, regardless of my relationship with my ex, I need to file the papers with the courts, all resentments aside. He has financial responsibilities that are signed and notarized and I will not let myself be taken advantage of anymore around this.
The sponsorship issue- some people just don't mesh. I've settled on it and accepted it, that maybe she is not the right one for me. We came up with a few ideas to put to work, I am kind of looking forward to seeing what the outcome will be. Really I need to put myself out there more, be more outspoken about what I need and she said WRITE A LIST OF WHAT YOU WANT IN A SPONSOR! Wow. Mind=blown.
She echoed the things I've known, thought and said in the past... how have I gotten this far? I said on a wing and a prayer... I've gotten this far. So, I will just keep on going and doing the next right thing and instead of seeing only the rock and the hard place, I have to remember to REMEMBER that there is also, a front, back, up and down if I need to find my way out of this rock & hard place.
My reaction of having to move a province away was and is unrealistic. I would be cutting myself off at the knees and landing myself back in a toxic environment. Even if I can't foresee how this is going to work- I will figure it out.
So she helped me cut through the mental crap pretty quickly and sent me out with a plan of action (because she says, sorry to say, but you are pretty damn good at them. Ha.)
So now I've touched all 3 bases- writing, talking and doing. SO . I am keeping on keeping on. No rainbow and daisy poops but it's a massive step forward from yesterday. All things being equal, I am getting REALLY good at letting the pity party happen, shutting it down after an appropriate time and not associating it with risky business. As soon as I hit that bottom of I just can't handle this anymore, I am so stuck, FML and all that, and I know I can't feel much worse UNLESS I drink, that's when I know, this WILL pass, if I choose to do something about. So I went to bed and started the day a little different.
So my smaller challenge for the next little while is getting out in the community more and making close friends who become good supports, whether it be through sponsorship, fellowship or church communities. People to help me with Charlie, people to help me to through and sort out my feelings without being judgmental. Up for the challenge.
Cour, today I drove MissT to her court date in the city an hour away. It took up my day, but I don't regret it. I was her lifeline and her only support today. I did not testify on her behalf. She is going to do jail time. Her sentencing date is mid June meaning, her kids will still be in school. This is her second time in jail.
I spent about 3 hours sharing my own ES&H with her, just reiterating all the things that worked for me all I've tried, where I've come from, etc. Today really put things in perspective for me. It could always be a lot worse than we have it right at this moment. Even she thinks that about her own situation. It's really tough, there's nothing anyone can do to fix it, but she is also fortunate in many ways I need not spell out.
She's struggling with the F it thoughts today, because she's going to jail anyways and so who cares?
I said, you do. Call me anytime day or night. No drinking today.
So, I keep my table alcohol-free so other friends can sit and be comfortable and safe around me.
Andheretothencefore, I did not, and shall not, drink today.
Power.
