Just Need a Little Love
I really just need a pat on the head that it is what it is and I am going to be ok.
AH and I have been separated since July 2016. He has “dysregulations” at least 2 times a year and usually leaves for a period of time – this time I told him “no – we either get help through counseling to improve the tools that we use in our relationship or we get help from an attorney and divorce.” In the past we just “continued on” and ignored the dysregulation – we’ve been together 26 years and married almost 25 years. We have a business together so we still spend lots of time together during the week. We did 4 counseling sessions – 2 together and 1 individual each back in the fall. AH said it was no help and he wouldn’t do any other counseling. He has tried to “force” things, but I have held my boundary.
Today, he was showing me something on his phone and there was a part of a text visible that makes me realize he has moved on in the romantic area. Even though he has threatened and I knew in my heart this would happen, it really devastated me. The only consolation I have right now is that through Al-anon and Celebrate Recovery, I haven’t gone off the deep end and started trying to force some sort of solution that isn’t really a solution or started some sort of “control and manipulate” campaign.
I didn’t say anything to him about seeing it, but I know that it is time to move forward w ending our marriage. This impacts not just my personal life but also my business/work life. In spite of all our problems, I still love him and always imagined that I could either somehow “love him” out of his demons or that my love would keep me strong enough to be together forever (I know – how codependent of me).
Again, I know I will get to the other side of this and I have a CR meeting tonight but I’m not even sure if I want to go since my emotions are so very raw right now (and being a raging codependent married to a verbally abusive AH – I hate being emotional) but I don’t think I can be at home all evening w our kids either.
Again, just need a little pat on the head from those who have been there. Thank you!