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Old 05-06-2017, 08:51 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
fini
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,241
Before the BP, I engaged the AV in dialogue, because I thought the AV was ME. 'I want a drink, no I don't, yes I do, I can't stand these cravings, just one then, no, I'm stopping drinking,

you see, that is exactly what did not happen.
there were those times, which Jeffrey so well describes, where there was no dialogue, no apparent decision, no arguing within myself...and afterwards, i would sit in despair at how i could not understand how i could possibly have done all those things dwtbd mentions, the getting in the car, the driving there, pulling out the wallet...blahblah...without deciding to do it. i did this action consciously, knew i was doing them, but had made no decision to do those actions. THAT was the maddening part. and the part i refused to believe.
clearly, i had "choice".
objectively.
subjectively, i couldn't access the power to make the choice.

my best understanding of my own experience is that i had the power all along but could not access it, rendering me in effect powerless at those times.

i do not wish to debate this as any kind of argument, and while i found AVRT useful when i first got sober, it stopped making sense to me later and didn't "fit" my own experience.
it worked well for me as a tool back then, but only addresses one aspect of the entire experience.

quite possibly we had different experiences within catchall terms such as "addiction".
actually, i'm sure of it.
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