Thank you, kind souls, for speaking with me about this issue. I appreciate the canid honesty here, and I'm sure glad I found this site.
In this thread, I made a plan, and this is the end of day 5. I downloaded some "tools" from the "moderation.org" site, which chy recommended. I've been keeping track of my drinks, and I havn't broken my "rules" yet. The moderation program calls for 30 days of abstinence BEFORE starting. I am not stong enough to do the 30 days of abstinence. Instead, I'm focused on cutting back. Yes, this could be a indicator of a HUGE problem, as Earlybird speaks of. I admitted that I'm an alchololic earlier, and I have a very complex and close relationship to alcohol. Yes, I cannot deny that I need help. No, I cannot stop 100%, and continue to lead the life I lead. I think I would be "out of commission"for some time if I where to do that. I am the "boss" of a small company, and I cannot show weakness.
I wouldn't be here if I didn't need help, but this is by no means a low point for me with regards to alcohol abuse. Several years ago, I was homeless. Sometime ago, I used to drink 12 to 18 drinks A DAY!!!!! My current goal of 4 a day is only obtainable now, after years and years of "cutting back". I think I'm on the right track, but....this is a big BUT.....I need to eliminate drunkness and hangovers altogether!!!!
The big question here is....Why not quit %100, and completely abstain?
As I said earlier, I don't feel strong enough to abstain at this point. My reasoning with this whole moderation stragedy is: If the moderation thing doesn't work out....then at least I will have choked my demon enough that it will be weak when I attack it with abstinence. If I eventually work down to 2 drinks a day, and maintain that for a while....if I quit cold turkey from that, I may not have as much of a hard time. If I were to suddenly quit altogether, cold turkey, my body/mind would revolte. I wouldn't be able function, and I am a high functioning individual.
Does any of this make sense to anyone? Many kind folks here tell me to JUST QUIT! I feel my situation is complex, and quiting would jepordize my postion in my community....seriously....If I were to go into rehab, it would hurt my career. Alcohol + Drinking have never hurt my career. In fact, I've built up quite a nice life based on selling alcohol, and I live very well. My income has increased the most during the years which I have drank the heaviest....go figure. I started trying to "control" things, once I hit a peak. I have made major accomplishments in this struggle before coming to this website.
The last battle in this war, is to eliminate drukness and hangovers. I'm here to do that. If my moderation stragedy doesn't work....then I will try abstinence.
For now, I'm keeping my maximimum drink level rule, avoid getting drunk, and keeping my BAC below the legal limit at all times. It's been 5 days since I started this, and although it is a challenge.....right now....I feel I can succed at this challenge without "feeling weird".
One more thing...this whole business of "thinking too much" about drinking, "planning around drinking" etc..... I think everyone here is "obsessed", abstainiee or not. For the time being, I choose to be obsessed with when I take my "ration" of drink (which I enjoy greatly). Like most of you, if I abstained, I'd be obsessed with going to meetings and giving other people advice. Alcohol would still "rule" my life. This isn't meant to be confrontational, it just is how I would obsess over alcohol if I abstained.
chip