Originally Posted by AlwysConflicted

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However much I would like to, I have a different opinion which is very set and which I very much feel to be true which makes me unable to seperate the AV and addiction from other parts of myself. I feel it is very much intertwined in all aspect of my personality and character traits, that it interlinks in all areas of me, my experiences, my thoughts, my feelings, my habits, and I wouldn't even know where to start to try and think of it as something separate from me. I feel it's a part of me, something i've created. I enabled it to develop, to grow, to intergrate itself into every part of my life. I see it as a product of the things which have shaped me and its also been a thing which has then go on to shape other parts of me which make me who I am today...
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But after second relapse there was no explanation I could find and no logic to my actions. I went against all my common sense, logic, knowing 100% the only outcome is negative and yet somehow ssomething else overode all of that. It was driving me crazy trying to figure out why and attempting to find reason in it only results in such self directed negativity and anger.