kdubbz21

I have been living with my boyfriend now for 9 months and haven't even known him a year (Smart call I know). When I first met him he was sober and in recovery from heroin but still struggling with drinking (his drinking problem did not become apparent to me until I had already started to have feelings for him). I had recently come out of a 5 year relationship on good terms and with the door still open and met my current boyfriend pretty soon after, initially the logical part of my brain told me he was not ready to be in a relationship and that my mental health was to fragile to handle a possible relapse. Feelings took over for rationality and now I have a boyfriend who instead of heroin is now addicted to meth.
When our relationship started I feel like it was very one sided, he doesn't have a job, he lived with his brother and mom, and for a 31 year old man he acts very immature and juvenile. It felt like I was the only one actually putting in effort and he was ok being the one that coasted and talked to other ppl etc. In all honesty this should of been my sign to run away but I chose to ignore it because there were moments we shared that made all the bad seem manageable. I have a horrible flaw of seeing people for who they could be and not who they are. He is a good person and he has a good heart, those qualities are very real, but at what cost I am not sure yet.

By the time he had moved in he had already relapsed on heroin and I somehow got caught up in that mindset and began using myself (I had smoked heroin once several years back but never past that until now). Now instead of one person using there were two, and our relationship grew for both the good and the bad but all of it most definitely toxic. I got so sick of being sick that I quit cold turkey and that helped motivated him to get off heroin as well, but because he was using meth with his heroin he basically just dropped one and upped the other. I have been clean for four months or so with no relapses, but my first true addiction has been my eating disorder so I understand how hard it is for him but I am getting fed up.

He has been telling me for months now that "this is the last time" "I just need to get a little more" and foolishly I accept his answer because I do love him and care for him and I have grown so used to him being around that the thought of him not being here really kills me. Our relationship aside from his use if fine, he is sweet and caring. He has a tendency to be immature and lash out by saying stupid stuff from time to time but his heart is true, and he is a genuine person who is hurting (I don't think I mentioned his father passed away last year which is why I think he has been struggling so much).

My problem with him using aside from the obvious is that he is just not himself, he sees bugs on his skin and gets mad because I don't and even more mad when I tell him he's probably seeing them because of the meth (maybe that's not the best approach but I am at my wits end). Furthermore, I am literally waiting to start my life with him. My previous relationship was perfect, except the issue of distance and I would be lying if I didn't feel like maybe I have made the biggest mistake of my life. For five years we made it work the long distance made it difficult for us, now I find myself questioning everything because instead of waiting on a person due to distance I am now waiting in vain for someone who may never be.

I know my current boyfriend could be an amazing man, I know he has so much to offer the world, but I also know I cannot force him to realize that potential. I told him today that if this isn't the last time he will have to move out, I have told him this before and end up caving because I don't want him to go and I feel like we are so close to a breakthrough, but I am terrified that we could be thousands of lite years from that.

I have had a pretty tough life, child of two addicts and survivor of child abuse, I just feel like this is my time to finally be happy and I have told him that I cannot worry about him and worry about myself but I am so torn between the need to be selfish and the need to fix people that I don't even know what to do anymore. Is there hope that maybe this is really the last time? He does get UAs as he is on a methadone program so his use will eventually get him kicked off and I am hoping that alone will help him get his head in order. Any feedback would be great, I have cried an ocean over this man, I care about him and want him to be happy (even if not with me).