I know people who- after 15 years of being sober- drank. They report that it was like the day after the last rock bottom they had- but 1 day worse. Time means very little. My own experiences with relapse agree with this. In fact -worse also means heavier drinking, more falls/black outs/damage/lies/cheating/stealing- whatever. Addiction takes no prisoners. Addiction is an obsessed lover that requires the victim's entire devotion. Ignoring this lover is not tolerated- even to the point of death. It is not rational- so cannot be defined by rational thought. Be it chemical, genetic, a disease- allergy, intolerance or disorder- who cares? For me- it just is. I can theorise, define, rationalise away my behaviours. It does not make any difference- I CANNOT DRINK. Therefore it is far, far more important to firmly fix in my mind's eye- this inevitable FACT. The why's then need to be tackled. For example- I have seen in the recovery program I am in - an army of counsellors. I keep in regular touch with my doc- and see a psychologist. The general consensus is- great you are not drinking. That is not so important as now- to WHY. They all say that- accept no booze, stabilise- then work on myself. Some even thought the booze was immaterial (I do not agree).
Addiction sucks. Relapses get worse. I cannot drink. Just is.