Thanks so much for the birthday wishes, everyone.
HelenofTroy - sorry to hear you've been feeling down, although the fact that you were able to 'catch' that moment and let the thoughts pass sounds like a pretty positive step! Hope today is a better day for you. I can really relate to what you were saying about the inner teenage rebel, by the way. In my case - I was an absurdly responsible teen, very academically driven (OK - a massive swot!) and I think that part of my drinking (which really kicked off in my mid-20s) was about having missed out on that natural rebellious stage.
I've had a bit of a low week, to be honest - I've never been a big fan of celebrating my birthday, so usually just do something very low key or nothing at all. This year, I'd planned to go out for dinner with my husband, but when it came to it, I really didn't feel like it - I was irritable, the AV had really flared up and it just didn't seem worth spending lots of money to watch other people drink alcohol in a restaurant. My husband persuaded me to try, and we got as far as sitting down in the restaurant - but I made us leave before the waitress took our order. In the end, we just got fish & chips instead! (Good thing I'm married to an understanding man, eh?!)
I'm not sure why I'm feeling so low. I think I'm frustrated with myself that I still want alcohol after 8 months. It's strange, because I seem to be running two mindsets in parallel. On the one hand, I can see how good sobriety is for me: I'm much more stable in my moods; I sleep better; I'm more able to deal with the world; I'm not expending energy on this constant low-level anxiety about where the next drink is coming from; I like and respect myself more. In these ways, sobriety feels like this amazing gift - and I feel this way about things 90% of the time. BUT... At the same time, there's this part of me that truly feels I'm depriving myself by not drinking: "If they can have a glass of wine, why can't I?"
Stargazer - as you say, I'm someone who crossed that "invisible line", and by the end I was definitely drinking to stop feeling bad, rather than because I got any pleasure from it - so logically, it doesn't make any sense that I should miss it. Yet I still do! These two outlooks seem to co-exist for me - true gratitude for sobriety and resentment about not drinking!
Dee - Thank you for nudging me about a Plan...
- I'm trying to look after myself in basic ways: eating well, taking multi-vitamins, getting fresh air with the dog, going to bed on time (the sensation of drifting off into a deep sleep is such a pleasure after years of just passing out!)
- I've started Yoga - I go to two classes per week, plus try to do a 30 min practice via YouTube each day
- I would like to start running again. I ran a marathon a few years ago, but have let my fitness slip since then. There's a local half marathon that I'd like to enter next spring.
- I'm trying to be more honest about how I actually *want* to spend my time and have started saying No to some things. Most significantly, I found the courage to end a friendship that had been bringing me down for a long time.
- I'm 100% honest with my husband about when I'm having the urge to drink. And I've started to open up about why I'm not drinking to friends.
- I try to post here several times every week and find reading other people's stories enormously helpful (thank you!)
- The longer term plan is that we're hoping to start a family in the next year, so I guess life will be completely unrecognisable after that, anyway - and stressful in a whole new way! I'm grateful for the fact that I've woken up to my drinking before having kids, because "wine o'clock" would definitely have been my crutch.
Apologies for such a long post - I'd be really interested to hear about the practical things you're all doing for your Sobriety Plans - or any long term goals you're hoping to achieve in sobriety.
x