Thank you Lexi, Dandylion, Leigh!
I agree that we can balance the memories of sweetness & closeness with those of hurt & mistrust inside the lost relationship...
We loved them. We knew them. We shared experiences.
In some ways, you can take an even deeper breath in claiming the balanced & contrary memories of someone lost to death. If you lose a love to divorce/separation, you almost have to shut out nostalgia or loving memory for fear you might get confused & soften towards them. Death allows you to be the sculptor & the holder of memory, without that outside force.
I lost my mother 2 years ago. She was very complex & hard for me - a cruel alcoholic. While she was alive, & while she was dying, the hurt and angry memories were strongest. I couldn't include any positive ones, because it was anger that protected me, they kept my heart safe.
It has been interesting - in the last few months, she has appeared in my sleep dreams & she is kind. I feel closer to her. I see vulnerable bits that I couldn't let myself see while I was self protecting.
I woke up the other day, after a dream like that & I suddenly missed her & felt an utterly new compassion for her.
It was so unexpected that I didn't want to feel it! It felt alien.
I am realizing that I can allow that now. She is no longer a threat. I can see her more fully, feel sadness & empathy toward her, even allow myself to love her without being afraid that such love makes me vulnerable to her.
It's like she's turning 3 dimensional, from a flat, scrawled memory,
It's ok. I think it will thicken my experience.
It's like I get to keep healing after her death.
And it is safe to do so!