Bargaining with an AH
Hey,
I know this is silly, and I don't even know why I did this to myself! I am honestly wondering if this is part of the mourning process, I believe bargaining is part of it. Maybe it was a set-up on my part. Okay what I did: I relized that there is no way no how that the AH is going to stop drinking for me, period. So, what I decided to do was make a deal with him...this has happend before and failed so why I keep trying I dunno, I guess I have to flop on my face a million times before I finally toss in the towel? Anyway, AH agreed to keep his drinking to 3 days a week to keep me here in a working relationship (are you laughing yet?) My threats mean nothing because I never back them up. So, everyday he's "not drinking" he's hiding the beer cans as if I don't see the empties laying around in the garage... Last week I told him that if he is unable to stick to his side of our agreement that he needs to at least be honest with me about it. Duh, did I just ask an AH to be honest???!!! Anyway, I realize that this all needs to stop and my excuses are getting rather thin as to why I don't just stick to my side of the agreement and just leave. My current excuse to myself is that it would be mean to go right before his 40th birthday. Which of course I was going to get him exactly what an ah would want and that's booze. DUH! Now all of our freinds are planning on joining us in celebration of this...
and I did this to myself.
What am I doing to myself here?! At the very least I've become honest with myself in what it is I have been doing. Ignoring that he has any problem pretending that we have a "normal" marriage and there are no beer cans hiding away in the garage due to broken promises. I've also been really focusing on how I'm dealing with this and not numbing it anymore for the first time in a very long time. I'm not hostile, almost emotionless just kind of peering at the issues around me that I've created.
I feel like my job right now is to strengthen myself, work on myself and I toss this garbage into the mix. Well, it's a new day and I'm going to my meeting tonight Today I'm going to workout, meditate, work, and do my to-do list. So, what do I do with this? Just curious if anyone else has ever done this bargaining thing?
sorry for my rambling!
Hugs,
~Faithchaser