Hangnbyathread

I had suspicions. But you are supposed to trust your partner. That is what you do. She always had a plausible explanation that puts you on he semi careful response mode.

But the defining moment came when she called me on the phone SCREAMING at me that she got an STD that showed up on her routine exam. The moment she said that, I knew a few things. It absolutely wasn't me. I absolutely knew that she was going to deny it was anything she did. And I absolutely KNEW we were over.

Yet I took the call calmly. Believe it or not it was easy the moment she told me and I knew it wasn't me, you sort of know you can play this for a valuable bit of insight.

Dear what STD is it that they found?

Gosh I'll get tested immediately and be right there with you to work through it together if I show up positive. That IF right there was the key. She held out all hope that I'd turn up positive. There was a chance I could have contracted it from her, and she was probably praying to the addicts gods that I would.

Then I showed up negative. And the house of cards collapsed.

Then it turned into....

Her to me: OK........that time when we got in a fight and you said you needed space. I went back to me ex to confide in him....and well we had sex. I was hurting. I was afraid I was going to lose you. I needed comfort.

That was story one.

I said....Ummmm....OK you won't mind if I talk to him about this. I will want to see his STD results.

Which enraged her to no end.

Then it was none of my business what she did and who she did it with and I needed to be a more caring partner and we wouldn't have had that fight. Trying to turn it around on me.

Then she made her next mistake. Her phone went off and it came up with a males name that she had saved. She took the call in private.

I asked who that was. Oh that was a guy from work asking me about a contract. At 9PM at night? Yes. On your personal phone? Yes.

OK umm Honey may I look at your call list and text?

HELL NO YOU CAN'T To which I expected was the answer.

Calmly. Me to her. I'm having some trust issues from this STD thing. I'll need your help to work through this. ( I at this time knew I was over, I'm just getting nails for the coffin now). If I can't see what you're up to, I'll not get past this.

Which began the disappearing for days and it finished up from there.

She finally came clean, said she needed help, and begged me to stay. She went to AA. Came clean on all of it as part of the program. It wasn't one time with her ex it was OMG I can't believe this!!!

Followed by the disclosure of how much drinking was going on, followed by her admitting that the sex was part of the process.

For me, I felt like I had simply been inadequate in some way. Then I felt stupid. Then I learn that this was very much a common story. Then I began to realize it isn't me. Then you start to meet normal people. And you find peace with yourself after getting back to normal people.

There is no time limit. It is a process. It does happen. All I can say is get over what an addict did to your head. Its like PTSD. You have to be part of the process of getting that managed. I didn't even want to date anyone for more than a year. Then you date with hot buttons that you easily walk away from. Then you begin to date with the standards you deserve. Then you find you open up again.