OP here again...
After my ABF's almost-week-long relapse after 8 weeks sober... he finally came home from work on Friday not drunk. I'd been feeling like I was drowning all week - waiting for him to come home sober so we could address things, but every day he would come home drunk and my stupid hope would be extinguished. (Why am I ever so hopeful in this situation?????) It was like Groundhog's Day... thinking he'd come home fine the next day, and having the nightmare relive itself each weekday.
Anyway, I finally felt relief on Friday afternoon when he got home, and we literally talked for about 8 hours about his relapse week. (That never happens! Usually, I try to talk and I get shut down with an impatient hand gesture and a "I get it! I get it!") But we really did talk all afternoon and all night about what happened this week. He was strangely humble, seemed remorseful, apologized for his behavior and for his cruel words to me. He said he didn't realize that "having a few cocktails at the wedding on Saturday would lead to such a terrible week." He forgot most details about Easter Sunday because he had blacked out when we had dinner w/ his parents. I had no idea how he blacked out because I thought I saw him have 2 beers and maybe a sip of wine... but he admitted that he snuck whiskey while we were all out in the kitchen cooking. And admitted that when he at a work lunch with his coworker on Tuesday, waited for the coworker to go to the bathroom and then asked the bartender for a quick shot. So not only was he having alcohol this week, but sneaking it around me, his family, and his coworker(s). Sigh.
I had Dr. Jeckyll all week, but the Mr. Hyde I was talking to on Friday made a lot of realizations on his own - said that this showed him he does not have control over drinking... that he thought a clean bout of 8 weeks would be good enough, and that he could have drinks again and be fine... but he was wrong... and he just kept saying he didn't know he would spiral like that.
He even said that on Friday morning, when he looked at me sleeping in bed before he left for work that day, he felt like he hadn't seen me all week. SEE? I really did have Dr. Jeckyll around.
So after the long talk and seeing him be a normal scared guy... I felt hope again. I met with our old couples' counselor (I hadn't seen her for 6 months, after she said that we were in a toxic relationship and that we should focus on our individual therapy before coming back together as a couple)...
I filled her in on the last couple of months... his progress, his healthiness, and then his relapse week. I know if she didn't have her professional hat on, she would be like "IT'S TIME TO LEAVE. GTFO OF THIS RELATIONSHIP." But as a psychologist, she has to let me figure that part out for myself (obviously).
Her advice to me was to start focusing on myself. She pointed out that everything has been about him, revolved around him, and even in my individual therapy sessions, all I'd do is talk about him. She said that this whole time, I've been saying with my actions "You matter more than I do."
Yes, I realize I'm codependent. I have to work on this!
And she pointed out that the 8-hour discussion we had... WAS ALL ABOUT HIM and his needs. Omg. She was right. I didn't think about it like that before.
So I need to be getting back into an exercise routine, meeting friends to hang out, finding stuff to do that makes me happy without him... and I know the point of all that is to make me stronger - to refocus my priorities on ME... which will eventually... make me strong enough to make the right decision.
It's just so heavy on my heart. I really have to try to not be codependent... I really have to absorb all of this and know that it's up to HIM to make these changes... and it's up to ME to decide if I can handle dealing with this for any longer or for the rest of my life. Do I wait for a relapse? I feel that my brain/heart/mind/soul couldn't handle it.