When you are changing
I am growing. It has been a crawl but I am growing. I know for many this has gone on too long and I should be much further ahead than I am. But it's baby steps for me as I continue to heal. Please be patient.
I recently began pulling out of the codependency trap with Abf. While his cycle continues and I have all but left the relationship, my body is naturally letting go of something I keep fighting. Yes, I want to stay and I am attached to him. Yes, I want to believe so much that he wants to change, but No, I can no longer wait for that day to come and my little hope candle is barely a flicker. Since his last bender and my inevitable take back that I do (ie. not using my window), I have taken the month that he was gone to treatment and his moms house, and have built up more of a life for myself. You see the thing is that I was so ensconced into life with him that when he left to binge, I had no idea what to do. My world felt empty and I realized that my life was built around him and my job - when he left last time on the bender I had neither and didn't know the first thing to do. I felt like a ghost and an alien walking around an unfamiliar world.
I hated that feeling and the overall direction my life was going with him as nothing ever was changing, just repeating, so this time I took our month apart and I dove into myself. Especially not working yet I had the extra time to become involved in things I couldn't when I had work and my relationship before both in a sense, left me. I became involved in charity as I looked for work during the day. One of which held a fundraiser at a bar last week he wanted to attend with me while I worked. I said no for obvious reasons (and was proud because at first I was scared to). I also went back to therapy and reconnected with things I use to love. Drawing, working out, seeing old friends, and eating better. Now that Abf came back to the city after his "month off", he wants to plug back into us. No matter his denial that he isn't trying to do that, his disdain for a healthy me says it all. I also don't see any massive change in him so not surprised by his reaction.
When he asks to see me I now have to check and see if I will be available. This week I have friends in town and watching my sister's boys so let him know which days those were on. And that I also wanted to get in a work out each day. This of course turned into the classic "Looks like you moved on and I don't even know who you are. I know it's my fault for all I've done and I can't blame you but you are not into this anymore and you don't want to see me. You have clearly moved on and have things now in your life you'd rather do". While the old me would apologize profusely and break all my plans, I stood by myself and explained that this is exactly the recovery I am on that will help me because like him, I am sick too.
Has anyone else experienced the process of shedding their codependency and it threatening their partner? Please note I am not asking because I am afraid of this, but because I feel my changing and his reaction actually means I am doing it right.