Originally Posted by Tjunction

Hi nixnox

Firstly I'm sorry for both you and your husband and also for your stepdaughter. You all are suffering through this period together. You and your husband care deeply but the stress is mounting.

I hear some pain and anger in P that she is not able to process yet and she is approaching adulthood without the emotional tools she needs to cope for herself. Cutting is a serious sign of mental health issues, let's hope that's in the past. It seems the counseling to date has not been as effective as hoped. I would think a teenager with counseling would have a springboard to approach life a little better than she is. She sounds like a tantrum is her "talking".

*** thank you, I'm going to respond paragraph by paragraph, so I can remember what you've said 😊 She doesn't "cut" as such, it's more superficial scratches, but of course when we first discovered it we were horrified and scared. She was undergoing weekly counselling for 4 years, so we made sure her counsellor was aware. As for the effectiveness of the counselling, I'm not sure P actually wanted it to work - at least that's what I think now. She will tell anyone and everyone that she has "mental health issues" and was "in counselling for years", which by itself I find quite odd (her telling everyone). It's almost like she wallows in it, uses it as a tool to get out of things (an example - she has a half brother who lives with his dad, and it was his 13th birthday in Feb. I asked her if she'd sent him a card, and her reply was "no, because I have mental health issues". How do you even respond to that! She apparently drinks because of her MH issues, and smoking pot is the "only" thing that allows her to escape the reality of her childhood - I am well aware that these excuses for drinking and taking drugs are signs of substance abuse and possibly future addiction, but if this is pointed out to her, her usual response is "oh great, so you think I'm gonna turn into my mother!" ***

Her bio mother should not be a leader figure in her life until her bio mom displays different although P is 18 already. I believe P could end up abusing substances with her biological mom around her. Even is its indirectly.

*** I believe this too. When we first found out she smoked tobacco, she'd seen her mum and said "mum let me smoke in front of her". We didn't, as she was 14 when she started, and there was no way we wanted to see her smoking. Following her outing with mum last week, them drinking wine, it wouldn't surprise me if her mum let her smoke pot in front of her too (mum also smokes it), so I think they could abuse substances together! But what can we do? She's 18, and we can't stop her seeing her mother ***
She comes from addiction background and she is displaying addict like behavior in a sense of blaming, diverting, entitlement and inability to manage her emotional state effectively.

*** so true. She did have a period of DBT (dialectal behavioural therapy) to try to get her to recognise and change her behaviours. Her psychologist believed that she was unable to regulate her emotions because she'd had to grow up so quickly, which makes sense, but it didn't help really ***

She will not change, she has no reason too. The talking is just that to her, talking. In one ear out the other and she still has a warm bed and full tummy everyday. She just has to display behavior when pressed a bit. All else is sorted for her. Because we show love but they see advantage.

*** no, I don't believe she will change either. She's got everyone where she wants them - all she has to do (as far as her dad is concerned) is play the suicide card and it all goes back her way. He does see this, but obviously is scared to risk pushing her ***

Why not have a mini intervention style meeting with her but speaking out of love and togetherness more than "you outta or else" . She is old enough that the consequence is on her and she can ultimately move out if it doesn't work for you.

*** we've done this, so have her paternal grandparents, and she will go along with what you say, but nearly always says she can't help it because of her MH issues - it's her most regularly played card ***

You and your husband must be a united front at all times with this - very important. She will play dad against mom if she sees a gap and derail her consequences. Say she is welcome to continue to stay in your home granted she follows the list of changes you require. Make clear HER behavior and choices is changing the relantionship and it is getting unbearable and unacceptable. Create a crises for her to change.

Put the ball in her court but in a way she is grasping the whole situation not just her parents are kicking her out. Give her a copy of the requirements and let her sign it so she has black and white copy that it really happened. Also make clear on the paper that if she doesn't change e.g you will start moving her out, take back her phone, no more petrol money, change the locks etc I.e the consequences. She will not be part of your lives UNTIL she had changed. You will pack up her things and keep it wherever you choose outside the home for her to collect when she sorted her living arrangements out. And stick to it. Parents want so bad to show love but we often need to show love by letting the real world do its work not just talking about it hoping they catch the drift.

*** yep, done all this, apart from a written agreement. I believe in tough love, and am a fan of the "short, sharp shock" and would be able to put her stuff out and literally throw her out - it is getting to that point! ***

This will also set the tone to her if she ever started drugs (the possibility in her history is high) what she can expect from your home.

Let me know what you honestly think of this suggestion. I have not been in this situation myself so feedback from your point of view would be interesting.

*** you've hit the nail on the head, with all of it. Thank you 😊 ***

Best of luck.