Originally Posted by
KM0816 
Recently i dont even really WANT to drink yet i do it anyway. Almost like it's not up to me anymore. A compulsion
Towards the end I too didn't really feel like drinking and yet I continued to pour it down my throat. I was drinking brands that I don't quite like the taste of like blended scotch whiskey and even beer in excess when left with no choice! Why? God knows! Maybe it was force of habit or I was simply chasing that high. It's pure insanity. There goes the 12 steps for you.
However, in your post you come across as a really strong person who just has too much on their plate. Don't use alcohol to medicate because alcohol is not medicine. Perhaps therapy may help.