I'm back.
It's always hard to admit you have a problem, but extra embarrassing when u have to say it AGAIN. But, that's what I'm doing. I have fallen into a pattern that is now only hurting me and my family. I had a couple medical issues in Dec and Jan, unrelated to drinking. But they have caused me depression which is only made worse with alcohol. I realize this. I got pregnant in Oct and my DH and i were very excited. We have a son, after losing our first pregnancy. Sob we were preparing for our son to have a little bro or sis. Very happy. Well, after some issues and uncertainty, and after hearing a slow heartbeat, we lost our baby in Dec. I had a procedure in the hospital. Grieved, took time off from work. Started feeling better. Then month later i had emergency APPENDECTOMY. Wtf. Initially i felt relieved to survive. But in more recent days ive been feeling more angry and confused. Every pregnant woman makes me sad, even my own best friend. I work a demanding day job and pursue other endeavors. I try to spend time with family. Bit basically i feel stretched thin and like I'm on the verge of just losing it. I daydream of just driving far away.
I'm already on antidepressants. I have self medicated with alcohol for my whole adulthood, basically 10 years.
Recently i dont even really WANT to drink yet i do it anyway. Almost like it's not up to me anymore. A compulsion.
Aftee a nite of drinking i wake up feeling awful with stomach issues for hours. I can't keep doing this and know it's making depression worse. I was here almost a yr ago and went back to drinking again. Family stuff has made me mkre anxious, i end up the "fixer," and am considered the "stable" one. But i thi k part of my problem is i believe that i have to be that. Like the fam will fall apart otherwise. But that's too much pressure for one person.
Anyway sorry for the brain dump. I just don't have many i can talk to about this stuff. I feel lonely right now in this inner turmoil.
Thank u all for your understanding and support.