Sounds as though you are fully aware how your life is being destroyed and that you need to stop, but you can't imagine the thought of not drinking.
I'd be willing to bet everyone who posts on here has felt the same way. I remember actually thinking sober people were fools and how they didn't know what they were missing. This is how bad alcohol can warp the mind.
Unfortunately, you're probably going to have to experience something tragic, or face an ultimatum from loved ones before that switch is flipped in your brain that will force you to make a change. I'm not criticizing you at all, I've just been down this road and know the power alcohol can hold over you.
In the meantime, just don't get behind the wheel. Good luck to you.