There is problem drinking, where stopping drinking fixes the problem, then there is alcoholism, where stopping drinking just seems to bring it out.
In the last year or two of my drinking I learned about what it means to be alcoholic. Part of that was the only known relief was to be found through complete abstinence. I don't want to be an alcoholic. On the other hand hard, or problem drinkers can stop or moderate with a good enough reason. I desperately wanted to be one of those, and, failing that, I wanted to be labelled with a particular mental condition which would excuse my behaviour and allow me to go on drinking.
I suppose that is a good example of the strength of denial. I would rather be a certified lunatic than an alcoholic who cannot drink, ever.
In spite of the mounting pile of evidence in front of me, plus the input from family, friends, employers, community, and even while locked up in the nut farm, I could not connect the dots. I think it is a form of psychosis, an inability to see the truth of my situation.
My situation became so bad, that I began to break through the psychosis, and tried to stop or moderate, and found I could not. Eventually, very near the end of end stage alcoholism, I called AA. Sick as a dog, badly hungover, this is what I said.
" My name is Mike, and I think I might have a drinking problem." Still not ready to make a full admission. A few hours later after some time with a recovered alcoholic, I had a much clearer picture. He seemed to be able to reach through the denial, or what was left of it, and won my confidence.
I am glad I didn't get my wish about being a lunatic, or hard drinker. Most of my hard drinking friends are dead now, proving you don't have to be an alcoholic for alcohol to damage your health.