Originally Posted by
GerandTwine 
I know how frustrating it is to drink a little booze and not get a good buzz on. I can imagine how nice and familiar it felt with that nice warm feeling in the throat as it goes on down. "Yes! There it is again. That warmth before the beautiful assault of pleasure."
Your thread from yesterday on the alcoholism forum "No, gracias, no bebo" describes with a little more detail what you were thinking and feeling around your drinking some more alcohol. And it sounds to me like there's some real anger within you that "You might never drink again." And it is getting expressed in disguise as fear - fear that you can no longer act upon a "healthy urge" to get wasted on alcohol. Why tell your BF "I'm thinking of drinking it" with beer in hand? Why drink some more to get more warmth in the throat?
What do you think the answers to your 2 questions are?
How do you protect yourself?
What if the line gets blurred again?
When you finally decide to move from toying with the idea of the Big Plan to actually making the Big Plan (IF you ever decide to) and thereafter practice AVRT in real time, you will not act or feel the way you did with drinks in hand.
A person can only make the Big Plan for alcohol and drugs once - by definition of "never again". Basic logic. And, of course, it cannot be rescinded.
The Beast wants you to tangle with it. It wants you to believe that it is out in the parking lot doing pushups.
You do not seem to want to accept that you can easily take the upper hand towards your Beast. Like Neo when he first stopped the agents bullets in mid-air in the Matrix, you can instantly know what to do, and maybe even smile to yourself as you set the drink aside, again and again, without anxiety or fear.
The beauty of AVRT to me is the bald faced and gross intentionality of what it takes to get alcohol or drugs into my body. I have to choose to hold it two inches from my eyes, and one inch from my nose, and I have to choose to put it INTO my mouth, and even then, I HAVE to choose to swallow it. If I say I will never do that again, I know absolutely that it can't sneak up and happen unintentionally.
Yes there was an immediate physical and emotional rush once I realized that I had unintentionally already had some alcohol and yes it made me want more and I did. Whether I had a lot or a little is immaterial, in that moment that was the decision that I made. That moment is everything. I had this fatalistic feeling, once I realized that I had drank it without knowing it was alcoholic, I felt everything was already ruined and I had lost my power of choice and it didn't seem separate from me, it was me. And it was familiar and for a few minutes I wanted to keep going, badly. You guys make it seem so easy. I'm not there yet, but I want to be, I really do. I did toy with thoughts of drinking in the lobby with that beer in hand, I even smelled it, part of me really wanted it, the part that is angry that the party is over forever, that is fearful. But I didn't drink it.
I'm not going to let that one moment define me and I'm still moving forward with my plan to not drink. I'm not going to forget it either. I'm going to learn from it so that if something like that happens again I can make the right decision. If anything it reaffirmed my commitment to sobriety, I don't want to be a slave to anything, especially something as useless and stupid as drinking.
And I don't think my beast is doing push ups in the parking lot haha that was something my therapist said to me and I was reminded of it.