Stuck
My problems are still pretty mild since I’m not physically dependent. I don't drink often, once or twice a month is pretty much it. However the goal is always to get drunk... Given that I'm 20, it could be completely normal.
What makes it a problem is that although I don't drink that often I always think about it. So when I finally do it, it's because I gave up.
Anxiety is a major trigger. Whenever it kicks in my brain just goes like ‘’ Drink, drink, drink, drink ! ‘’ . Although some other times it’s random.
Since I know it can’t possibly lead anywhere good, I fight these thoughts as much as I can. It gets really hard sometimes, because a part of me doesn’t care where I could end up if I decide to keep drinking. If I listened to this part, I would probably be drunk right now as I’m typing.
After a while I accepted that I need help. This is where I’m stuck, now. I have tricks to distract my mind when the need to drink gets overwhelming, but as things are right now it can only last for so long. I figured telling my parents could be a great way to start getting additional support since I live with them (they have no idea...). The thing is, that’s it : I can’t bring myself to do it.
I was always reluctant to speak about my problems, but this time it’s not the only reason. If I speak, they will probably keep an eye on me and that will make drinking a lot harder. I don’t really want this to happen, it makes me anxious just to think about it. I’m staying sober one day at a time, I’m not thinking further than that because the thought of having to stay sober for weeks, for months… Makes me want to give up right away.
I feel like I’m at this point where it’s either I speak about it or I sink in it but I’m stuck and I can’t make a move.