Pre-emptive apology for my ranting/pleading request for advice/help/empathy below... Ive kept this all in and need to "talk" about it before it consumes me....
My DD11 is experiencing mean girl culture 101 at her school - to the point that there is a bullying investigation occuring and sadly, even the one friend she felt was a real ally (that word was explained to her by her therapist and I too believed this girl was an ally) has turned her back and seems to be creating drama daily for DD...
I am watching DD handle things as best she can but it is breaking my heart for her...
The "best friend" (of many years) and a girl that DD spent time making a lovely bday gift for a few weeks back has taken to asking DD daily "are you mad at me?". DD tells her no and then tells me she's "afraid" if she says yes, that the "friend" will be mad at her.
Finally DD and I practiced how to nicely tell the friend how she felt and how her behavior was making her feel and that same night the friend called DD to say "you're following me around a lot and I need my space- can you leave me alone? Hope you won't be mad"
Since then, DD has been DEVASTATED. And I have tried to help her identify other kids she can connect to. As she has done this (vs pleading for the friend to hang out with her), the friend has upped the mean girl game...
I can say, completely unbiased despite being her mom, that DD is the sweetest girl that exists. She goes out of her way to care for others, she is kind, sweet, a loyal friend, empathetic, fun etc...
And she has been a target almost non stop for weeks of a few "popular girls" and it seems that because she has not crumbled, and continues to be a nice kid, they are expanding the circle of influence and now impacting her friends too and she's starting to crack because of it.
I am at a loss as to how to help....
She reminds me SO much of me as a kid and young adult-- took crap endlessly, tried to please those who were mean to me, stayed kind through it all, hoped constantly someone would treat me well if I kept treating others well. And it never really happened....
I am watching her react to bullies the same way I did and seeing her hurting daily, more each day, is more than my heart can take
Does anyone have any advice? She was publicly shamed by this group of girls a week ago (teased for her hair and told she looks like she doesn't belong in our family bc she is blonde and the rest of us are dark haired) and then "voted out" of being "allowed" to sit with the "popular girls".
Today her "best friend" made plans to sit with her then at the 11th hour ditched her to go sit with the bullies.
I don't know how to help ease her hurt and I am finding that my panic (internal- not letting her realize how I feel) about worrying that she is setting herself up for a lifetime of being bullied and abused because of her nature and how she is constantly willing to give assholes another chance, is just overwhelming me...
Those of you with girls or boys who've been through this stage (middle school) of life with your kids-- does anyone have wisdom to offer? tips?
Im out of ideas... Ive tried to not give advice, tried to listen, tried to love her, empathize, and I just see that a light is fading in her and that her self confidence is crushed... and it wasn't high to begin with...
She has also said, and this is important to add, that she doesn't understand why "everyone" treats her this way and has referenced that her dad targets her more than her sister (true) and that kids are mean to her and that her sister has tons of friends and gets invited places all the time (true) and she doesn't (true) and that she wants to know what is wrong with her....
My mom point of view here is that her "cohort" of girls in her grade are just NOT a nice bunch. They've been catty for years and she's had one good friend and that was enough for her... But now that friend is being a jerk and DD 11 just feels totally alone.... And I HATE for her that bc of her jerk of a dad, she feels like kids are mean to her bc of something that is wrong with her