I didn't really relapse I just took spontaneous breaks from drinking.
I wanted to drink as much as I wanted to and not have the negative consequences.
I finally worked out what a ridiculous fantasy that was for me and I've stayed sober since with a commitment to change and a strong support network here at SR..
I remember the fear of early recovery - what if I fail? what if I *succeed*?
what if I hate being sober...?
All those fears came to nothing in the end
Today I don't see sobriety as a tightrope walk at all - it's more like a trust exercise - you may not know exactly where you're going but if you have a good guide and you trust the hand you're holding , you'll be ok
D