Trying again - New UK Member
Hello everyone. My name is Tony and I'm an alcoholic. I think that's the traditional way of first introducing yourself to an AA meeting (or is that just the movies?) - anyway, to be clear, I'm not a member of AA.
So a little about me?
I guess everything was pretty normal until the age of 30 years old. By then I was living with my long term partner and had one child who was 6 years old. I had been with the same employer for 7 years and had risen from coffee maker to senior manager. Money was pretty good and I loved my little boy so much. One day I came home and his mother basically told me that we weren't really the couple she wanted us to be and that she was seeing someone else. Well, so was I to be honest, so at least she had the guts to call it. We loved our son but we never really loved each other. Was drinking a problem at this time? Not at all - I was a fairly moderate consumer of booze up until then to be honest.
Then things got a little more problematic. A good friend of mine lost a close relative and being an alcoholic he just sank into booze and grief and wouldn't step out of it for weeks on end. I sat and drank with him every night for what must have been the best part of a year. I thought I was being supportive, but in reality I was enabling him - and my 'freedom' from the ex-family home was now affording me time to just get drunk every night with him. I should have known the signs. My mother is an alcoholic and so is my auntie and so was my uncle. The booze eventually killed my friend as well. He was 50 years old.
A few years of heavy drinking followed up until I was 40 years old, interspersed with fewer and shorter periods of abstinence. Amazingly I was still hard working and creative and had now become the CEO of the same employer I had been with for so very long. The only downside in my life was my drinking. Then my son died. Just like that.
I wont say what killed him (I want to keep some anonymity) but it was sudden and of natural causes. My world had ended right there and suicidal thoughts suddenly occurred for the first time in my life. Now the drinking really began - and now I didn't care about that problem either. After about another six months solid drinking (and amazingly still working) I decided I wasn't going to kill myself quickly - but if the booze got me then I told myself I didn't care that much. Of course I did care really - but saying I din;t meant it was an excuse to drink. Now married to a wonderful woman (but no children) I was starting to worry the odd person around me that knew me well.
The last seven years have had short periods of abstinence (my best was 27 days just over a month ago) but I have drank every night for four months on the trot without a single day off. And when I say drink I mean three bottles of wine, every night, seven days every week.
Whilst I am still the CEO of a growing business I'm barely functioning now. The only reason the business is doing well is down to all the great people I trained and hired when I did have some ability and energy left over.
So why am I here? Because I know drinking is killing me. I suffer the shakes so badly at times I daren't pick up a glass of water in front of my staff. My liver is sore and my whole lower torso has a dull ache constantly. My urine is deep yellow (I know what all of this means - I've read so much about it).. I'm slowly killing myself.
Yesterday I lay in bed all day having 'worked' from home. I promised my wife that 'this was it - I was never drinking again'. By 5pm I was up and about and joking 'just one more night baby' - and she just broke down and sobbed. This wasn't the first time - but it was the worst time. What I saw in front of me was despair.
I went out for a drive - annoyed that she was emotionally bullying me - wanting to buy those three bottles of wine anyway - calling her from my car to make conversation and see if she would relent because I was making it quite clear I was annoyed with her. She didn't budge one bit - just kept telling me she loved me and to be safe. So yesterday was day 1 and after a sleepless night I stumbled tired but sober into day 2 (today). And yes I am still sober but it's been hard.
As I write this I can see all the contradictions - I know it's killing me - I know it's hurting my wife - I do want to give up - But I don't want to give up now - But I must give up NOW!
I was a member here years ago. I was an advocate of moderation. I thought it could be done. People told me different. They were right. I was wrong. Well I can't do it. I'm too ashamed to even let you know my previous membership name was.
I need to get sober. Forever. And I hope that you will help me.
Tony