glad yer here, PC!
it reads like I was youre( I hope it is now ex) fiancé at one time. just reading about the vacation and how he said he'll get his stuff after your vacation- that would be me doing what I could to keep you in my life.
" all blaming me for what happened, saying he has no money, no food, he's homeless - but no apologies of course."
that there was the selfish, self centered child in me. after I got sober I heard that an alcoholic stops growing mentally and emotionally soon after they took their very first drink. and I believed it- 36 when I got sober, I was mentally and emotionally 13- blaming people,places, and things for the state of my life and I did that for a long time. my biggest concern was....MMMMEEEEEE.
my next biggest concern was having a woman to take care of me- basically having a mother, although I didn't even see it that way until I got sober.
well, that of course after making sure I had alcohol.
one thing followed me through the years and relationships I was in:
I didn't have relationships- I took hostages. IF the ransom I set was met-giving ME rides to work, doing MY laundry...those things adults do- I would set another ransom.
and if the ransom wasn't met? id throw a hissy fit....that's a lie......I threw temper tantrums like children that don't get their way do.
then think about a new ransom, not take responsibility or accountability for my life.
today I can say that it is my opinion that tossin my ass to the curb was the best move every woman I got into a relationship with ever made. I was only going to drag them down with me and there was a lot of gloom,dispair,and agony on the way down.
"
Does alcohol really come first? Does an alcoholic still love his/her family? I can't imagine treating my family the way he has treated us. Does permanent damage to the brain occur? '
for me, yes, alcohol was #1. at any lengths or cost.
for me, yes, i did still love my family.
yes, permanent brain damage CAN occur. wet brain.
PC, its just my opinion, but ending the relationship is the best thing you can do FOR YOU!
how he'll respond to it all, that's hard sayin, but that's on his shoulders and not your burden to carry.
i don't want to give ya hope by sharing this, but this is how i got sober:
very rarely did i start drinmin before noon, but on that particular day i bought a 12 back about 10:30 in the morning. i remember goin for my 3rd 12 pack about 4 or 5 that evening, then went into a blackout.
i passed in on the couch. already had a feeling i did and/or said insane,hurtful things while in a blackout. got a cup of coffee for my( by then ex- i just hadn't been informed yet) fiancé and went into the bedroom.
she was laying on the bed balling her eyes out. looked like she had been crying all night( happened to be we were staying at her sisters house as her sister was dieing from cancer and we were helping take care of stuff).
she started telling me some of what i had done and said the night before while i was in a blackout.
and i had the old,used up "im sorry" and"i promise", which she wasn't having anything to do with and said,"get out! get the **** out!"
and i didn't argue. packed a bag and left.
THAT is what was necessary for me to get out of denial that alcohol and me were the common denominators in all my problems. THAT is what got me to stop trying to stuff my past- i was lookin straight at my past and seeing a lot of the wreckage i had left in my wake over the years. THAT is what got me to decide to get help or kill myself.
there was absolutely no one on the face of the earth that could help me get sober until i wanted to get sober.
and absolutely no one that hadn't been in my shoes that could help me do that.
and absolutely no one that could have helped me by carrying me- i had to do the footwork.
you didn't cause it, you cant control it, and you cant cure it.
and ya don't deserve to be a doormat for an alcoholic or anyone else for that matter.
I know I matter, too.
dam straight you matter! you can show that with your actions and doing what you have to do for your own mental and emotional health- you deserve peace and serenity.