Hey Alwysconflicted,
Nice to meet you and welcome to SR.
What an awesome first post! Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to share your story here.
Good luck to you on your journey, if you want to change you can. You really can. It's entirely in your hands and you'll get bucket loads of support from the good folk here should you chose to give it a whirl.
Being clean and sober has proved to be the best drug in the world for me and I've tried most of them. :-)
Sending you some hugs from the other side of the world.