View Single Post
Old 03-22-2017, 10:15 PM
  # 111 (permalink)  
miamifella
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Originally Posted by paulokes View Post
Yes they are!




No they're not!



But of course I absolutely respect your personal experience and the things you perceived to be difficult

I have a friend who similarly only managed to get sober when he stopped coming to meetings. He never worked the program. I think he had a very strong reaction to things he perceived other people to be saying and doing. I know this happens. The funny thing is we both have a very similar outlook on lifeand sobriety in every other respect

Anyhoo...I would hate for anyone to read your posts Miami and think you were saying AA is full of very controlling people and anyone would be lucky to find good sponsors....because that isn't the case and I'm sure that's not what you're saying.

One of the criteria I often hear for picking a sponsor is find one who doesn't tell you anything they can't back up with the Big Book. There's a very specific line in there about not becoming involved in the practical affairs of people we help.

Maybe some professional people look out for sponsors who have similar professional jobs....because they know the other person will be understanding if they need to complain about work. I understand why people would feel that way but actually maybe it's a hindrance.

Personally I spoke to other friends about day to day life stuff where I just needed encouragement and support. My sponsor was always 'supportive' but we often talked about how I was dealing with/reacting to life problems....rather than how difficult they were (sympathy) or what exactly I should do about them on a practical level (advice).

Sympathy and advice should be kept to a minimum in a sponsorship relationship IMO...at least at first. One way or another they can lead to manipulation and control by one person or the other. As my old mate Billy used to say best to stick with "Just the facts, mam"

P
I guess I do think that the program tends to attract controlling people, or a least people who had been so marginalized that they go a little crazy when they finally get the chance to be an authority figure.

I did get a lot of advice on what to do in my life (always backed up by a good quote from the BB). I thought that was how sponsors take you through the steps.

I agree that too much handholding sympathy is a bad idea. But I think that when someone has the urge to drink or use, help has to be offered. I think advice on this matter, which is what brought us all together in the first place, should be shared. This seems to be appropriate sympathy. Stern talk to someone having cravings is just ineffective. How many stories do we hear in the rooms about people going out after such interactions. Yet, sponsors still do it.

Thank you again. It is great to be able to ask questions about the program. I feel like I am finally getting the information I could not get when I was in the program.
miamifella is offline