Originally Posted by
teatreeoil007 
I think you actually fell in love with her, but you felt ashamed of it, so you developed a pattern of being in fierce denial about how you really felt.... she represents everything that you also feel is a big huge "no no". Forbidden fruit. So, it pains you to have fallen in love with someone of her caliber (a prostitute addict). Someone who was lost and on a destructive path. But the fact remains, you did fall in love with her and your postings and actions surrounding her almost sound obsessive. Her "ex" strikes me as being obsessed with her as well and also controlling.
Anyways, I'm not here to judge anyone for who they might fall for or what they did. What's done is done. That happens. But, part of your continuing to be "involved" with her life was by your choice, I think also in attempts to rescue her and having some need to know about her and what she's up to if you could not find out directly from her. It's possible she did not answer your emails and texts because she felt conflicted too.
You are right. I thought she was a bit of a mess when I met her but I liked her personality and once I got to know her, I developed a pretty serious crush on her. We had terrific chemistry, we were the same age and we both are natives of Phoenix. I knew a relationship beyond mere friendship was out of the question, I knew she was pretty damaged and I could never be in that kind of relationship with someone like that. Yet my feelings grew stronger and I realized that I was falling for her about
four months prior to the escorting started. I knew she was struggling financially because she took two months off after the baby and missing that income was more or less the tipping point for her. It's when she first came to me for help and I could hear the desperation in her voice, as much as I didn't want to lend her money, I couldn't say no to her. And that continued to be the case for some time.
One night she texted me saying she needed to come up with some money to pay the rent and I was working late and a bit preoccupied. She mentioned turning to prostitution as a last resort but I didn't say anything but I did see her the following night and meant to ask her about it but forgot for some reason. I asked her about it after the fact and she said at the time she was only joking but I know that she was not. I feel guilty not asking her if she was serious, although I doubt I could have dissuaded her from exploring that option. She felt like she had no other options but I never believed that. She refused to find a real job, one that wouldn't put herself at risk or being killed or incarcerated. Of course, at the time I didn't know her drug problem was so severe so she likely wouldn't have passed a drug test.
Did she feel conflicted about me too? Perhaps. I brought that up with the counselor and she said not to believe anything my friend said, ever, because drug addicts will lie about everything to everyone because drugs are all that matter. That's another reason I stopped going - it was all black and white with the counselor, no middle ground. I know my friend lied a lot but I want to at least think she felt something toward me and saw me as more than a victim she could exploit. She said things many times to me things that made me think she had some feelings toward me. We always hugged goodbye and she always held me as tight as possible and said many times "I don't know what I'd do without you" and even kissed me once. She did tell me she loved me and was forever indebted to me for all the help I've given her. She also said she wants to get well and knows that she can't get that without professional help, that's why she finally agreed to go to treatment. There were times she had some mental clarity and could be quite eloquent and insightful. I want to believe she was sincere.
She also said though that she was still madly in love with her ex and hoped some day to be with him again, even though he said that would never happen as long as she was like this. But he is absolutely obsessed with her, and their relationship is extremely volatile. He was paying for her cell phone and I knew he read the texts and emails between us. I kind of understand why he did that but at the same time I felt a bit violated about that. She wasn't happy about that either but felt like it was the price she had to pay so he would continue to support her financially. He knows she's bad for him and said that getting involved in her mess goes against everything he believes in, but he'll never leave, not permanently anyway. He likes being a martyr.
Was I obsessed? Perhaps, bit I was very passionate about it all. But I felt a strong obligation to help her. She came to me for assistance and I gave it. At first I just hoped she'd get back on her feet and she'd be able to pay me back the money she owed me, but it later became a situation where I felt like she was going to die if I walked away. I don't think my conscience would let me do that. But seeing her escort ads with the photos and videos, and the reviews on TER (think Yelp for prostitutes) which were very explicit, it all hurt me greatly. When I asked her about why she kept doing it, she'd say, "How else am I supposed to make money?" I know she continued to escort up to about two weeks before she went into the hospital the first time.
I really don't want to go on and on about this. It would be great if I could go just one day where I don't think about her. I really do hope she can overcome her problems but I'm skeptical it will happen. Letting go is difficult, it's been the case in my past relationships as well.