I've been reading here for quite a while and this is my first post. I see so much positive give and take here (and feel like I "know" some of you from reading so much) that I thought I'd finally post.
As the title says, I have a lot going on alcoholism wise...I'm an ACOA (father, died when I was 19), a recovering alcoholic myself (just over 6 years sober), and my mother is a current alcoholic (she had quit before I was born, sober my entire life until I was about 25). I was married to a drinker (not an alcoholic but definitely a problem drinker) for 6 years and I divorced him about a year and a half after I got sober.
I have a good handle on my own recovery, I've made peace with my dad, still struggle sometimes with how to deal with my mom but am able to remain pretty detached for the most part. The biggest issue I've found myself having with her is not so much her deciding to drink her last years away, but stuff from childhood. It wasn't until I quit drinking myself that I started to realize that most of my issues from childhood affecting my adult life stem from her utter selfishness and inability to look out for and protect me...keeping me in a sometimes violent and consistently dysfunctional alcoholic home for as long as she did (she finally divorced my dad when I was 15, but I remember begging her to move us to my grandma and grandpa's as young as 7/8). I've been in therapy for the past 8 months, first time since I quit drinking but had lots of therapy prior to that in my 20's. Totally different animal at this age than in my 20's lol. I'm learning how to have compassion for her and forgive her but it's slow going.
So I guess I see the ACOA stuff is what's behind most of my current issues, but that forum doesn't seem to get much traffic so I thought I might get more input here. After I divorced, I was totally alone for 2 years, worked hard on making my life happy, and I succeeded at that. Then I got into a relationship and I haven't had the same grip on happiness since. He's great in many ways, not a drinker or addict of any kind, but like everyone he comes with his own baggage and issues, the main one affecting me/us being emotional unavailability and fear of intimacy. He is also in therapy and has the same history with therapy as I do. We have gone to couples therapy but basically, where she would see each of us separately on occasion she's seeing him more individually because she believes his issues are having a greater affect on us. So I've just let that go for now because it makes sense.
I just feel so lost a lot of the time. My therapist has been very helpful, is EMDR certified which has brought about some major breakthroughs for me, but I don't know if it's working out as well anymore because I don't feel like I'm getting the direction I need in terms of figuring out my part in what's wrong with my relationship. This is the first long term relationship I've ever had totally sober (didn't drink much at all prior to my late 20's but smoked A LOT of weed), with someone who is relatively mentally healthy himself (or at least can see where he needs work and is willing to do it), and I just know I'm doing things wrong but can't figure out what or where it comes from or what's up/down/left/right half the time. I see some codependency in myself for sure but not as severe as I may have been before my drinking got out of control. I've brought that up to my therapist but either she doesn't see it doesn't think it's an issue. But I know it's there to a certain degree.
I've been thinking about starting to go to ACOA meetings but haven't pulled the trigger yet. I did AA for a while when I first quit drinking and also used a forum much like this, which I found more helpful because I just found more people who had what I wanted there (many of whom I'm still in touch with, although the forum no longer exists). The thing with the meetings is I'm extremely introverted and I work a lot, so the thought of doing ANYTHING after work involving people makes me want to take a nap. There's also a trust issue, I just have this constant thing where I won't let anybody near me (mentally/emotionally) except a romantic relationship and a handful of close friends, and I even keep the friends at a distance, especially lately since most of them have gone off the deep end themselves in recent years. I know it's not fair to my boyfriend to depend on him as my sole source of emotional support. I've talked about this in therapy a little, and all she can say is "you just have to do it, you just have to open up to it" but I can tell myself that all day and it's doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. So I'm starting with you all
Not sure what I'm looking for here...just to vent, someone who can relate, honest advice, all of the above.