I was married to an alcoholic for a long time.
I remember leaving work with my smiling coworkers, happy the day was over, heading to our separate vehicles. I'd get into my jeep, and as soon as I knew no one could see me the dam would break and I'd start bawling because I had to go home. I'd get myself under control enough to be able to drive, but I would still cry all the way home.... dreading he would be there, and at the same time, scared he wouldn't be. Both scenarios caused me so much anxiety.
I am sorry that you are living through this hell. It hurts my heart knowing you are having all those dreadful feeling I used to endure.
I hope you find a way to live a happier life than what you are trudging through now.
*hugs*