This is the basis of where the problem likely began for me. Anxiety.
Since starting out and getting serious about maintaining a professional career (around 22), I have sought out challenging jobs, roles and with them came the burdening pressure of potential failure. I couldn't bear the idea that failure was a possibility, so over a period of 10-15 years, I started to lean on alcohol from time to time. Even though I was accomplished and no evidence of failing in sight, performing well...the pressure of 'what if' lingered.
It started as a couple of drinks after a long difficult week, and then as my responsibilities took on a larger scope, carrying the responsibility of more people, more professional visibility tied to strict standards of conduct, it became a comforting habit to avoid the anxiety and pressure. The glass house was too much.
As a high-achiever or someone who pushed at 100 mph and up to 70 hours a week to feel I was 'successful'...alcohol became a relaxing reprieve.
Brings me to about October 2014 and experiencing a life-changing crisis, my brain knew and was taught that a anxiety could be numbed by drinking and somehow I had believed that I had the ability to change that behavior at any time if I wanted to.
I am now anxious with high-levels of stress, constant worry over situations I don't have much control over, social anxiety as I often used drink to massage my fears of worthiness in others eyes. I have had a number of additional professional and personal stressors in the past year.
The higher levels of anxiety that has now been induced by red wine/vodka laced haze that might have been easier to combat without it.
So incredibly counterproductive and I stepped right into it. Anxiety = feed it a drink = brain changes chemistry and seeks it = creates more anxiety x life circumstances happen = needs more drink = constant skyrocketing anxiety
It feels like loss of control, racing thoughts, paralyzing sadness and worry over what tomorrow, next week or next year will look like. It feels like certain doom of the future.